I would like some (unbiased if you can) feedback
So last month was Mothers Day. And I didnt actually think to text my mum because, well, its the way it is. That said though, I didnt even text Jo. I have become a slack texter. And at the end of the day I get a text from her saying "did you forget that its mothers day. i love you even if you dont" blah blah blah and what a crap day she'd had. And i just said "yeah i was busy and i forgot". In truth, I was busy cuddling cheetahs.... And dad obviously got shit about it too and i blew it off
Yesterday was my birthday. At the beginning of the day I got a few texts, one was from my mum. It took me a while before I even got around to replying to most of them, and didnt reply to hers cos i didnt think it warranted it. At the end of the day, I got a "did you get my text?" text, so i said yes and thanked her. And then i got a text from dad, asking if mum had text and did i reply?
Now. When i was 14, mum tried to kill herself. Not even really to die. But to manipulate and get attention. She said as much to dad one day. She had talked to him on the phone before he did it. And after she said something like "well i wouldnt be in hospital if you hadnt been running late". All a control/power/manipulation fucked up thing to do. Dad then stayed with her until I left home 3 years later, cos he was scared she'd do it again. And now, he still tiptoes around her. She still calls on him if she needs help. And obviously to complain about her ungrateful children, because she knows that what dad says will have more impact...
And it fucks me off so bad. Why is he still pandering to her? I had a minor hissy fit at him after his text last night, which then ended up with me feeling like an ungrateful shit. I was raised in a "if you cant say anything nice, dont say anything at all" kind of way. Nice and passive aggressive... And so i dont talk to her. I dont say anything because what is the point? And then i get shit about not talking to her.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH
So am i unreasonable and ungrateful and spoiled shit? Should I get over it and pretend everything is fine?
5 comments:
Sorry for the super late reply, I'm only just catching up on my rss reader!
First: *HUUUUUUUUGS*
Man, parents can suck so bad. I think it's great that you're relatively objective about it all, and you seem to be able to look at what's going on rationally as well as reacting emotionally. *impressed*
Sadly I don't have any actual advice, except that my counsellor (Karen) is awesome at parent issues. I still don't confront my parents (especially Mum) about a lot of stuff, but then I've only just figured out in the last year that there's anything to confront them about. One day, maybe. I don't know if there's any point, but if you were going to do it, I'd practice on a counsellor first and get their feedback on what you want to say. Huh, that was quite a bit of advice, I guess - whether it's any good is another question... :P
xxH
p.s. You asked: "So am i unreasonable and ungrateful and spoiled shit?"
NO.
You aren't being unreasonable, ungrateful, or spoilt. You chose not to have your mum in your life, and she decided she wanted back in, and she uses your dad as leverage because she knows him.
Your dad married her, he is always going to answer her regardless of knowing that she is an unbalanced, attention seeking psycho (I say that with respect and all, given she is your mum...). So if she bitches to him, it is hard for him not to listen to her, and he sees "passing on the message" as a way to get her off his back. As well as, he doesn't know exactly where your relationship with your mum is at, so he is trying to help by making sure you know what is going on with her. So it isn't entirely your dads fault that he panders to her - though he really should point out to her that her relationship with her daughter isn't his business and that if she has a problem she should stop bitching to him and talk to you in person... but he may never have the resources to do that, your dad is a softie at heart. And your mum knows, and she knows how much you love him, and she is not above using that, which isn't his fault.
Your mum on the other hand... You two did try to have that period where you were talking to each other, and she is clearly trying to push that into a "normal" mother daughter relationship. Because as you are well aware, she is a selfish woman and she isn't considering her past behaviour or how you feel about her. I am well aware that you haven't even forgiven her for what she did to your family, let alone gotten to the point where you want to talk to her, but SHE isn't aware that you aren't there (or more likely she knows you aren't but she knows that you also aren't rude so if she pushes you then you will pretend which gives her what SHE wants).
It's easy to be pissed at your dad because it feels like he is taking her side, but he isn't, he thinks he is helping you. Probably your best bet is to tell him how you actually feel (or if you can't handle that, get Jo to) being prepared that regardless of how he feels about her he will probably feel obligated to try and smooth things out between you because "she is your mum" (by the way, that is bollocks, look how awesome you turned out without her). Your dad loves you more than her, so he wants what is best for you... but he does not know what that is. You are a grown up, you have to decide for yourself now. Regardless of how healthy it might be to reconcile with your mum, it has to be on your terms and when you are ready, not when she is pushing it down your throat. And your dad shouldn't in any way be involved, his only response to her should be "talk to my daughter about it".
Also, just as an aside, you should probably bear it in mind that it isn't just your dad that tiptoes around her, after all, you didn't text her back "why should I say happy birthday when if you got what you wanted you wouldn't be here today?", and that isn't just because you are polite, it is because she is unstable and no one wants to feel like they pushed her.
Which is probably why you lost it at your dad, because you CAN lose it at your dad, you know he can take it and will forgive you, whereas you have no idea how your mum will react.
As for your mum, she is going to keep behaving like she has some kind of right to you unless you tell her otherwise. And even then, she will probably fight you and guilt trip you and threaten you and bully your dad and try to force you to have her in your life. The woman is selfish and she wants your attention. Your options are to try to forgive her, tell her to fuck off, or go on with this pretending everything is ok but actually ignoring her until she makes a fuss. I support any option that makes you happy, and I think any option you go for will go more smoothly if you have your dad and Jo on side so they can help and support you (and not give her your phone number etc).
Thank you Ems :)
It is both a relief and a bit frustrating that you know me so well :) But I love you for it and love you in general.
Yes we are both tiptoe-ers which doesnt help. Id rather just ignore her.
I could forgive the average suicide I think. I know what its like to be in that very dark place, haunted by dragons and feel like theres no way out. However, that isnt what she did. She just did it to manipulate Dad. So its pretty unforgiveable to use such a big thing like that as a tool to get what she wanted. Bitch.
I feel sorry for her that she is so fucked up that she thought that was a good thing to do, for the fact she could never know or accept love, and all that jazz.
and still she does it - cos youre right, she only bitches to dad about it cos she knows how close we are and uses that against him really.
Argghh
Yeah, respectfully of course, your mum actually borders on psychotic... she could have been a serial killer the extreme way she manipulates people. I feel sorry for her too, because she IS messed up, she ruins relationships and she receives fear instead of love, and look how unhappy her strategy makes her. But only so sorry for her... not enough to want to meet her, or be happy that she 'wants you back', I know what you mean, she ruined your psyche with the suicide attempt but around about now I think you would begin to thaw towards her... but how do you forgive the damage she has done given her motivations for doing it?
You can just ignore her, you are totally entitled to do that and I support you, but I do think you should tell your dad that is what you want to do, it will decrease tensions between you and your dad if he shouldn't pass on the message, or if he would tell her to talk to you instead of coming to him. I know that will be hard to do, if you do decide to do it, but I think you'd be happier in the long run if you did.
If you aren't going to talk to him about it, you'll just have to try not to get annoyed with him for falling for her ploys - she is very good at what she does and knows him very well, and he doesn't want her blood on his hands... I imagine he probably still struggles not to blame himself for her first attempt even though it clearly wasn't his fault at all.
On the flip side, you have a great dad, and an awesome Jo, and a crazy me, and wonderful Hayley, to make up for being stuck with a psycho mother... :D
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