Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
For something to do, to encourage me to blog more, and just for fun mostly :)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Day 26
Day 26- What you think about your friends
I love them. That is all really. They are wonderful and most of the time, they are always there for me. And I would do anything for them
I love them. That is all really. They are wonderful and most of the time, they are always there for me. And I would do anything for them
Friday, October 8, 2010
Day 25
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Wallet
2 cellphones
Lip balm and gloss - several varieties
Tampons
A good luck charm bag that Jo gave me
Hairtie
Bobbypin
Tissues
Sometimes panadol or nurofen
Emery board
Camera
Impulse
Handcream (mini neutrogena one)
Crikey its no wonder I can never find anything!!
Wallet
2 cellphones
Lip balm and gloss - several varieties
Tampons
A good luck charm bag that Jo gave me
Hairtie
Bobbypin
Tissues
Sometimes panadol or nurofen
Emery board
Camera
Impulse
Handcream (mini neutrogena one)
Crikey its no wonder I can never find anything!!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Day 24
Day 24- A letter to your parents
To my Dad - would be a letter about how amazing he is, and how much I love and appreciate him, and to thank him for getting me through everything, and for putting up with so much crap with mum, just to give me some semblance of normalcy.
To my Mum - I will never figure out the words. Part of me is still so mad, part of me feels sorry for her, and the rest of me knows that she wouldnt get whatever I had to say anyway, so it would all be a waste of time.
To my Dad - would be a letter about how amazing he is, and how much I love and appreciate him, and to thank him for getting me through everything, and for putting up with so much crap with mum, just to give me some semblance of normalcy.
To my Mum - I will never figure out the words. Part of me is still so mad, part of me feels sorry for her, and the rest of me knows that she wouldnt get whatever I had to say anyway, so it would all be a waste of time.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Day 23
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Animals. I constantly want to steal animals and pat every animal I see - including tigers and polar bears. In fact, especially tigers and polar bears.
Hmmm perhaps this is also my answer to yesterdays blog....
Animals. I constantly want to steal animals and pat every animal I see - including tigers and polar bears. In fact, especially tigers and polar bears.
Hmmm perhaps this is also my answer to yesterdays blog....
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Day 22
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Ummm, I dont actually know.... Any suggestions??
Ummm, I dont actually know.... Any suggestions??
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Day 21
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
My Dieselbum makes me happy :) Hes not a "something" but I dont care :)
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Day 20
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Oh sappy :) I will just post a photo of us :) Didnt envision finding anyone anytime soon, but it happened after all... :)
Oh sappy :) I will just post a photo of us :) Didnt envision finding anyone anytime soon, but it happened after all... :)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Day 19
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Candi - is pretty obvious. Its short for Candida - and much easier for people
Floss - follows on from Candi really
Candi Dandy Notebook - rhyming is fun, and even better if you can relate it to something from Blues Clues
I dont really have anything fun that I can think of............. nothing that has stuck anyway :)
Candi - is pretty obvious. Its short for Candida - and much easier for people
Floss - follows on from Candi really
Candi Dandy Notebook - rhyming is fun, and even better if you can relate it to something from Blues Clues
I dont really have anything fun that I can think of............. nothing that has stuck anyway :)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Day 18
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
- One day - I really do want to get married and have kids. No matter how screwed up my childhood was, I still want that whole traditional family thing
- I want to own an Alaskan Malamute, a Great Dane, and a Maine Coon at some point :)
- To get fit and healthy and be happy with the way I am (this could take some time...)
- To work in a zoo as a nurse - that would be cool
- One day - I really do want to get married and have kids. No matter how screwed up my childhood was, I still want that whole traditional family thing
- I want to own an Alaskan Malamute, a Great Dane, and a Maine Coon at some point :)
- To get fit and healthy and be happy with the way I am (this could take some time...)
- To work in a zoo as a nurse - that would be cool
Monday, September 27, 2010
Day 17
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Honestly - some sort of animal trainer that works with wild animals. Or anyone that gets to like cuddle a big cat eg cheetah or tiger or something. Just would love to do that, if only once in my life :)
Honestly - some sort of animal trainer that works with wild animals. Or anyone that gets to like cuddle a big cat eg cheetah or tiger or something. Just would love to do that, if only once in my life :)
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Day 15
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
1. Wicked Game - HIM
2. Another Day - Rent Musical soundtrack
3. Sex On Fire - Kings of Leon
4. 13th Floor - Mondo Generator
5. Leaving on a Jet Plane - Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
6. BYOB - System of a Down
7. You've Got the Love - Florence and the Machine
8. Home - Michael Buble
9.Pantomime - Incubus
10. Poker Face - Chris Daughtry
Im surprised nothing from Glee came up - I thought they made up most of my playlist...
1. Wicked Game - HIM
2. Another Day - Rent Musical soundtrack
3. Sex On Fire - Kings of Leon
4. 13th Floor - Mondo Generator
5. Leaving on a Jet Plane - Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
6. BYOB - System of a Down
7. You've Got the Love - Florence and the Machine
8. Home - Michael Buble
9.Pantomime - Incubus
10. Poker Face - Chris Daughtry
Im surprised nothing from Glee came up - I thought they made up most of my playlist...
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Day 13
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Hmmmm
Theres the letter I always imagine writing to my mum. But that probably doesnt count as someone who hurt me recently.
Probably Sarah - the English chick at work, who makes me want to slap her, and is the main motivation behind me doing boxing on a Friday (as Thursday nights with her are utter hell!!)
Just to tell her to get over herself and stop acting like such a bitch really
Hmmmm
Theres the letter I always imagine writing to my mum. But that probably doesnt count as someone who hurt me recently.
Probably Sarah - the English chick at work, who makes me want to slap her, and is the main motivation behind me doing boxing on a Friday (as Thursday nights with her are utter hell!!)
Just to tell her to get over herself and stop acting like such a bitch really
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Day 12
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
My friend Emma had one and it seemed like a good progression from my old Live Journal one that I had
I wanted an outlet to rant and write and to try to be creative...
My friend Emma had one and it seemed like a good progression from my old Live Journal one that I had
I wanted an outlet to rant and write and to try to be creative...
Day 11
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Me and other best friend (I class her more as my sister) Amy - this was 2007 before a friend's 21st
Monday, September 20, 2010
Day 10
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Happy - pretty much any Justin Timberlake or songs from Step Up 2 - eg T Pain 'Church', and Lonely Island Boys songs - eg Im on a Boat. Oh or Glee songs :)
Sad - Jeff Buckley or Josh Groban generally
Bored - almost anything. Glee usually cos it relieves the boredom
Hyped - same as Happy songs really - sing along songs
Mad - Bullet for My Valentine, Breaking Benjamin, Tool - that sort of thing
Happy - pretty much any Justin Timberlake or songs from Step Up 2 - eg T Pain 'Church', and Lonely Island Boys songs - eg Im on a Boat. Oh or Glee songs :)
Sad - Jeff Buckley or Josh Groban generally
Bored - almost anything. Glee usually cos it relieves the boredom
Hyped - same as Happy songs really - sing along songs
Mad - Bullet for My Valentine, Breaking Benjamin, Tool - that sort of thing
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Day 9
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Kicking arse at boxing - I discovered that in the 3 or 4 weeks Ive been going, Ive lost 10cms from my waist and Im stoked
Getting to do more at work and not crumbling under the pressure - loved it :)
Kicking arse at boxing - I discovered that in the 3 or 4 weeks Ive been going, Ive lost 10cms from my waist and Im stoked
Getting to do more at work and not crumbling under the pressure - loved it :)
Day 8
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
go to the gym more - Ive been getting great results from boxing and thats only once a week - so imagine what I could achieve if I actually went more...
Learn a few more recipes - I like learning new things to cook and tasting new stuff - trying to branch out :)
Get myself into a routine where I am being more productive - eg doing dishes before work and tidying up and stuff - since this is our place and the whole place is under our control. Gah
Friday, September 17, 2010
Day 7
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Dont have a lot of photos of my dad - but he is amazing and my everything basically. That is all :)
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Day 6
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
It used to be Spiderman - simply because he can do cool shit - plus he's the only one that is truly in disguise - you cant see a single part of him because he is completely covered - and that is pretty cool
But as I have grown up - I think it has to be Batman. He is the man, and he does it all without any actual super powers. He wasnt bitten by a spider, or born on another planet. He trained out of anger and vengenance and now saves the world. Its awesome. The fact that he is generally played by people who are hot (eg George Clooney and especially Christian Bale) really probably helps too :)
It used to be Spiderman - simply because he can do cool shit - plus he's the only one that is truly in disguise - you cant see a single part of him because he is completely covered - and that is pretty cool
But as I have grown up - I think it has to be Batman. He is the man, and he does it all without any actual super powers. He wasnt bitten by a spider, or born on another planet. He trained out of anger and vengenance and now saves the world. Its awesome. The fact that he is generally played by people who are hot (eg George Clooney and especially Christian Bale) really probably helps too :)
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Day 5
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Where the polar bears live at Sea World on the Gold Coast in Australia :)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Day 4
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Only one??
Eating junk food - I love it and cant help it.
Being lazy and avoiding the gym
Kicking myself for not being great at things - its not very helpful to myself really
Procrastination - one day i'll get round to kicking this habit...
Only one??
Eating junk food - I love it and cant help it.
Being lazy and avoiding the gym
Kicking myself for not being great at things - its not very helpful to myself really
Procrastination - one day i'll get round to kicking this habit...
Monday, September 13, 2010
Day 3
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Havent taken any new ones in a while - but this is me and my lovely Ems a couple of christmases ago
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Day 2
Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name
Ummm my username is Aurora - which is a Foo Fighters song that I love - and also I love stars
'Must I dream and always see your face' is a line from a Jeff Buckley song that has always been cool and that I love
Writing this makes me want to change my blog name now....
Ummm my username is Aurora - which is a Foo Fighters song that I love - and also I love stars
'Must I dream and always see your face' is a line from a Jeff Buckley song that has always been cool and that I love
Writing this makes me want to change my blog name now....
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Day One
Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
This is the most recent.
15 things... Really? Worth a try
1. Favourite animal is a polar bear. Almost to the point of being obsessed with them... I would love to see one in real life
2. The reason I am a vet nurse and not a vet is not due to lack of intelligence (well I guess it could be...), or from not wanting to do 5 years extra study, but because I hate the feel of cutting into things. Freaks me out to cut into raw meat even sometimes. Dont like it. Not good at dissecting stuff.
3. Before studying vet nursing, I was considering either becoming a mechanic or a statistics teacher, or general primary teacher. Or zookeeper, which makes more sense
4. I have a BCom in Marketing - not sure what for or what I will ever do with it....
5. I am starting to think that secretly I actually do want a relationship with my mother, but not sure if I can due to all the shit that has gone down, and if I can truly be bothered
6. I have recently started Boxing training - and I freaking love it. Not to the point of fights or stuff like that, but man I love it. It is empowering and fun and so great
7. I have weighed over 100kgs for far too long now and it depresses the hell out of me (are any of these facts actually interesting??)
8. I love cooking and experimenting, but I hate if it doesnt turn out well - can not stand being bad at anything lol
9. The first person I was ever with intimately, passed away in 2003 and it still haunts me....
10. I cant honestly decide if I prefer cats or dogs..........
11. I love Glee - love it!
12. I have no belief in myself - and I love singing but am so scared of doing it in front of anyone, including singing teachers which is probably why I always give up on having lessons
13. I love watching Americas and NZ's Next Top Model
14. I already have 7 tattoos and if I could I would have a million more
15. I have a cat named Diesel, who embarrasingly, is part named after Vin Diesel haha
15 things... Really? Worth a try
1. Favourite animal is a polar bear. Almost to the point of being obsessed with them... I would love to see one in real life
2. The reason I am a vet nurse and not a vet is not due to lack of intelligence (well I guess it could be...), or from not wanting to do 5 years extra study, but because I hate the feel of cutting into things. Freaks me out to cut into raw meat even sometimes. Dont like it. Not good at dissecting stuff.
3. Before studying vet nursing, I was considering either becoming a mechanic or a statistics teacher, or general primary teacher. Or zookeeper, which makes more sense
4. I have a BCom in Marketing - not sure what for or what I will ever do with it....
5. I am starting to think that secretly I actually do want a relationship with my mother, but not sure if I can due to all the shit that has gone down, and if I can truly be bothered
6. I have recently started Boxing training - and I freaking love it. Not to the point of fights or stuff like that, but man I love it. It is empowering and fun and so great
7. I have weighed over 100kgs for far too long now and it depresses the hell out of me (are any of these facts actually interesting??)
8. I love cooking and experimenting, but I hate if it doesnt turn out well - can not stand being bad at anything lol
9. The first person I was ever with intimately, passed away in 2003 and it still haunts me....
10. I cant honestly decide if I prefer cats or dogs..........
11. I love Glee - love it!
12. I have no belief in myself - and I love singing but am so scared of doing it in front of anyone, including singing teachers which is probably why I always give up on having lessons
13. I love watching Americas and NZ's Next Top Model
14. I already have 7 tattoos and if I could I would have a million more
15. I have a cat named Diesel, who embarrasingly, is part named after Vin Diesel haha
30 Days of Me
Ive started a bit late on this really - its already under way out in the blogosphere. And considering how badly my last "30 days" blog went, I wouldnt hold my breath....
Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Your favorite song
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Day 11
Day 11: A song from your favourite band
Favourite band is a hard one. But we'll go with the Foos, as it most consistently is... Plus Dave is pretty in this video :)
So started the new job. Its scary, and makes me nervous/anxious that Im doing things wrong. I think its just cos I care?? I dunno. Ive never had a job I actually really cared about before... So far so good. The people I work with are lovely. And so far the clients are good... No dramas :)
That said I went in this morning to do some nursing, and there are 2 cats who are likely to be euthanaised. Part of the job, and for these 2, its for the best, but still sucks when you cant do anything for them :(
Favourite band is a hard one. But we'll go with the Foos, as it most consistently is... Plus Dave is pretty in this video :)
So started the new job. Its scary, and makes me nervous/anxious that Im doing things wrong. I think its just cos I care?? I dunno. Ive never had a job I actually really cared about before... So far so good. The people I work with are lovely. And so far the clients are good... No dramas :)
That said I went in this morning to do some nursing, and there are 2 cats who are likely to be euthanaised. Part of the job, and for these 2, its for the best, but still sucks when you cant do anything for them :(
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Day 10
Day 10: A song that makes you fall asleep
I dont know that it makes me fall asleep, but I love listening to Jeff Buckley when Im going to sleep so I figure that counts :)
My head is working against me today. Jeremy was grumpy last night after going to the movies (to Predators of all things - I do not recommend it) because he was hungry, and once he gets too hungry, and his blood pressure drops, he just gets purely focused on food and cant see much else. I was tired and sore and grumpy and not that hungry so I didnt care, but didnt enjoy getting dragged around through town to get where he wanted to go. So cue spastic moody Candi.
This morning, we went out to get food for breakfast and after his first mouthful he said 'ok now im happy' - and my stupid head took offence, and decided that meant I didnt make him happy and that food will always come first. But then food, water and shelter are the basic needs of life right? So it makes sense. And i am just being silly and yet I cant seem to stop it. Grrr.
Oh well hopefully once I get settled at work and start going to the gym and stuff then that will even me out a bit more, cos I am sick of being the spastic girlfriend who is changing her moods all the time, so much so that I am almost giving myself whiplash, let alone anyone else...
I dont know that it makes me fall asleep, but I love listening to Jeff Buckley when Im going to sleep so I figure that counts :)
My head is working against me today. Jeremy was grumpy last night after going to the movies (to Predators of all things - I do not recommend it) because he was hungry, and once he gets too hungry, and his blood pressure drops, he just gets purely focused on food and cant see much else. I was tired and sore and grumpy and not that hungry so I didnt care, but didnt enjoy getting dragged around through town to get where he wanted to go. So cue spastic moody Candi.
This morning, we went out to get food for breakfast and after his first mouthful he said 'ok now im happy' - and my stupid head took offence, and decided that meant I didnt make him happy and that food will always come first. But then food, water and shelter are the basic needs of life right? So it makes sense. And i am just being silly and yet I cant seem to stop it. Grrr.
Oh well hopefully once I get settled at work and start going to the gym and stuff then that will even me out a bit more, cos I am sick of being the spastic girlfriend who is changing her moods all the time, so much so that I am almost giving myself whiplash, let alone anyone else...
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Day 9
Day 09: A song that you can dance to:
Whats worse, is I know all the moves to the chorus.... hahaha
Last day at Stats tomorrow - woohoo :)
Havent been to the gym since my signing up day last week, but once this week is over I'll be able to get into it :)
Whats worse, is I know all the moves to the chorus.... hahaha
Last day at Stats tomorrow - woohoo :)
Havent been to the gym since my signing up day last week, but once this week is over I'll be able to get into it :)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Day 8
Day 08: A song that you know all the words to
And the live video just makes it was cooler :)
In other news - ARGHHHH!!
I dont know why Im so irritable and moody at the moment. My period is not due. I guess I am stressed with finishing work and starting a new job. And working both at the same time the last two weeks (not too dramatically but enough to make a difference I suppose...)
I just have become this horrible moody bitch - poor Jeremy. He cant do anything without me getting pissed at him for it basically. He is very tolerant but its got to wear on him. He said he was trying not to take it personally but what a pain in the arse I am. And the fact that I know Im being a bitch makes it worse cos then Im mad at myself for being one in the first place.
Theres all this talk about "thinking yourself happy" but does it actually work??
And the live video just makes it was cooler :)
In other news - ARGHHHH!!
I dont know why Im so irritable and moody at the moment. My period is not due. I guess I am stressed with finishing work and starting a new job. And working both at the same time the last two weeks (not too dramatically but enough to make a difference I suppose...)
I just have become this horrible moody bitch - poor Jeremy. He cant do anything without me getting pissed at him for it basically. He is very tolerant but its got to wear on him. He said he was trying not to take it personally but what a pain in the arse I am. And the fact that I know Im being a bitch makes it worse cos then Im mad at myself for being one in the first place.
Theres all this talk about "thinking yourself happy" but does it actually work??
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Day 7
Day 07: A song that reminds you of a certain event
My 21st party theme was 'Dress as a song' and I dressed as this one - so it reminds me of that - funny how that works.....
Hmmm dont have much else to say. My mornings at the clinic are going well - although it makes me so much less motivated when I get back to Stats - only 3 more days!! Oh and a few more hours today.... Cant wait :)
I told Jeremy he was being a little weird and clingy last night. But reassured him that I still love him and Im not going anywhere, and he should feel free to be who he is. He was a little worried cos he talks in silly voices, and is more emotional and vulnerable than most guys I guess. But I do like that side of him too - except if Im in a grumpy mood. We have good talks about stuff. I enjoy being able to communicate. Those are words I didnt think would come out of my mouth (or get typed/written by me) anytime soon haha
My 21st party theme was 'Dress as a song' and I dressed as this one - so it reminds me of that - funny how that works.....
Hmmm dont have much else to say. My mornings at the clinic are going well - although it makes me so much less motivated when I get back to Stats - only 3 more days!! Oh and a few more hours today.... Cant wait :)
I told Jeremy he was being a little weird and clingy last night. But reassured him that I still love him and Im not going anywhere, and he should feel free to be who he is. He was a little worried cos he talks in silly voices, and is more emotional and vulnerable than most guys I guess. But I do like that side of him too - except if Im in a grumpy mood. We have good talks about stuff. I enjoy being able to communicate. Those are words I didnt think would come out of my mouth (or get typed/written by me) anytime soon haha
Monday, July 12, 2010
Day 6
Day 06: A song that reminds you of somewhere
This song reminds me of Japan - I went in 1999 for a high school trip for 2 weeks. There was 7 girls, and then teachers/parents. We used to wander round the streets singing this song out loud. Good times :)
Ok so I had the weekend away. And I definitely did notice the lack of Jeremy. But maybe its because I was the one who was away and doing stuff, but I dont feel like I really missed him. And not as much as he missed me. Is this a bad thing?? I almost feel slightly smothered by just how much he missed me.... I think its just an adjustment thing, and my stupid head telling me that its scary just because its new, and because Im not used to it. I dunno... I think I may just be silly, and probably scared of being happy
This song reminds me of Japan - I went in 1999 for a high school trip for 2 weeks. There was 7 girls, and then teachers/parents. We used to wander round the streets singing this song out loud. Good times :)
Ok so I had the weekend away. And I definitely did notice the lack of Jeremy. But maybe its because I was the one who was away and doing stuff, but I dont feel like I really missed him. And not as much as he missed me. Is this a bad thing?? I almost feel slightly smothered by just how much he missed me.... I think its just an adjustment thing, and my stupid head telling me that its scary just because its new, and because Im not used to it. I dunno... I think I may just be silly, and probably scared of being happy
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Day 5
Day 05: A song that reminds you of someone
Funny - it doesnt make me think of the current one at all. But I do associate it with old Jeremy due to jokes made about it, and being very into the song at the time I met him. I guess it will always make me think of him - although luckily, less painfully than it used to.
Had a weekend away - it was nice. Though it was also nice coming home to someone. And it was nice to be missed so much hehe :)
Funny - it doesnt make me think of the current one at all. But I do associate it with old Jeremy due to jokes made about it, and being very into the song at the time I met him. I guess it will always make me think of him - although luckily, less painfully than it used to.
Had a weekend away - it was nice. Though it was also nice coming home to someone. And it was nice to be missed so much hehe :)
Friday, July 9, 2010
Day 4
Day 4: A song that makes you sad
Makes me cry most times I hear it - even prettier live and acoustic. Kelly Clarkson is amazing and this song always makes me think about my mum - its my song to her pretty much, if she deserved it....
This weekend I am going up to Feilding to hang with Amy and have some girl time, after she broke up with her partner a few weeks ago. She seems to be doing really well but it will be good to have time to ourselves. It will be the first weekend Ive spent apart from Jeremy in some time too - part of me will miss him, and part of me is happy for the break. I hope thats normal :)
Thats about all for today
Makes me cry most times I hear it - even prettier live and acoustic. Kelly Clarkson is amazing and this song always makes me think about my mum - its my song to her pretty much, if she deserved it....
This weekend I am going up to Feilding to hang with Amy and have some girl time, after she broke up with her partner a few weeks ago. She seems to be doing really well but it will be good to have time to ourselves. It will be the first weekend Ive spent apart from Jeremy in some time too - part of me will miss him, and part of me is happy for the break. I hope thats normal :)
Thats about all for today
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Day 3
Day 3: A song that makes you happy
So many many possibilities. I have purely gone with the first one that popped into my head:
Makes me think of Friday nights in Murphys in Auckland dancing with Em :)
So had my PT session yesterday. My body fat is like 41% - eeeek. Admittedly, I thought it would be over 50% so thats a relief. But it does mean I am carrying approx 41kgs of fat... Sick. My fitness level is in between low / fair - so definitely room for improvement. Exciting possibilities :)
Ummm not much else to say today really
So many many possibilities. I have purely gone with the first one that popped into my head:
Makes me think of Friday nights in Murphys in Auckland dancing with Em :)
So had my PT session yesterday. My body fat is like 41% - eeeek. Admittedly, I thought it would be over 50% so thats a relief. But it does mean I am carrying approx 41kgs of fat... Sick. My fitness level is in between low / fair - so definitely room for improvement. Exciting possibilities :)
Ummm not much else to say today really
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Day 2
Day 2: Your least favourite song
Any song by Ke$ha - they just played one on the radio and it reminded me how much I dislike her. In fact, hate her music. So much so I cant even bring myself to put it any of them on my page....
Having training at my new job - very tired Candi. Yesterday and today I have come into normal work about 6am, left for the clinic at 7.30, worked there 8-9.30, head back to work, and yesterday I then worked 10-5.30. Today I am finishing at the much nicer time of 3.30, but thats just to go to the gym for an hour PT session that I get upon joining to sort out a programme and body composition and stuff.
I know my body fat percentage is going to be high. Possibly scarily so. But its still something Im dreading. But it will be good to put a number on it and realise just how much I NEED this, for my own life basically and to avoid all sorts of health concerns... I predict tears even. Fun
Any song by Ke$ha - they just played one on the radio and it reminded me how much I dislike her. In fact, hate her music. So much so I cant even bring myself to put it any of them on my page....
Having training at my new job - very tired Candi. Yesterday and today I have come into normal work about 6am, left for the clinic at 7.30, worked there 8-9.30, head back to work, and yesterday I then worked 10-5.30. Today I am finishing at the much nicer time of 3.30, but thats just to go to the gym for an hour PT session that I get upon joining to sort out a programme and body composition and stuff.
I know my body fat percentage is going to be high. Possibly scarily so. But its still something Im dreading. But it will be good to put a number on it and realise just how much I NEED this, for my own life basically and to avoid all sorts of health concerns... I predict tears even. Fun
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Day 1
Day One: Your Favourite Song
So hard. I change my mind every so often. This is simply the first one that popped into my head that I can listen to over and over and never get sick of:
In other news.....
I dont know whats going on but Im particularly down and angsty the last few days. My partner is too tired to have sex, so I cry and pack a sad and feel rejected. That sort of thing. Its first thing in the morning and we do have sex but he doesnt quite "finish", and I decide thats cos I am not good enough, and cry and pack a sad and feel rejected.
The good thing is that I sort it out in my head, and he talks me through it, and is very accepting and understanding. But that doesnt mean its ok. Its not fun for either of us, and its pissing me off. Which in turn just makes it worse cos then I am angry at myself for crying and packing a sad and the cycle keeps going.
So I think it might be time to seriously track down a counsellor and start working through this crap. For my own sake, as well as for the sake of my relationship...
On the plus side, I have a new job, doing what Im actually qualified to do (well actually the job is largely reception with vet nursing thrown in, so thats all good - a nice way to ease into it). And Ive joined a gym. And I have this nutritionist thing starting at the beginning of next month. So hopefully they will all help contribute towards a happier and healthier Candi
So hard. I change my mind every so often. This is simply the first one that popped into my head that I can listen to over and over and never get sick of:
In other news.....
I dont know whats going on but Im particularly down and angsty the last few days. My partner is too tired to have sex, so I cry and pack a sad and feel rejected. That sort of thing. Its first thing in the morning and we do have sex but he doesnt quite "finish", and I decide thats cos I am not good enough, and cry and pack a sad and feel rejected.
The good thing is that I sort it out in my head, and he talks me through it, and is very accepting and understanding. But that doesnt mean its ok. Its not fun for either of us, and its pissing me off. Which in turn just makes it worse cos then I am angry at myself for crying and packing a sad and the cycle keeps going.
So I think it might be time to seriously track down a counsellor and start working through this crap. For my own sake, as well as for the sake of my relationship...
On the plus side, I have a new job, doing what Im actually qualified to do (well actually the job is largely reception with vet nursing thrown in, so thats all good - a nice way to ease into it). And Ive joined a gym. And I have this nutritionist thing starting at the beginning of next month. So hopefully they will all help contribute towards a happier and healthier Candi
A bit of blog spam - which should also encourage me to at least write a little every day.
A music meme, which you have to add to ever day with the following:
Day 01: Your favourite song
Day 02: Your least favourite song
Day 03: A song that makes you happy
Day 04: A song that makes you sad
Day 05: A song that reminds you of someone
Day 06: A song that reminds you of somewhere
Day 07: A song that reminds you of a certain event
Day 08: A song that you know all the words to
Day 09: A song that you can dance to
Day 10: A song that makes you fall asleep
Day 11: A song from your favourite band
Day 12: A song from a band you hate
Day 13: A song that is a guilty pleasure
Day 14: A song that no one would expect you to love
Day 15: A song that describes you
Day 16: A song that you used to love but now hate
Day 17: A song that you hear often on the radio
Day 18: A song that you wish you heard on the radio
Day 19: A song from your favourite album
Day 20: A song that you listen to when you’re angry
Day 21: A song that you listen to when you’re happy
Day 22: A song that you listen to when you’re sad
Day 23: A song that you want to play at your wedding
Day 24: A song that you want to play at your funeral
Day 25: A song that makes you laugh
Day 26: A song that you know how to play
Day 27: A song that you wish you could play
Day 28: A song that makes you feel guilty
Day 29: A song from your childhood
Day 30: Your favourite song at this time last year
First day to follow :)
A music meme, which you have to add to ever day with the following:
Day 01: Your favourite song
Day 02: Your least favourite song
Day 03: A song that makes you happy
Day 04: A song that makes you sad
Day 05: A song that reminds you of someone
Day 06: A song that reminds you of somewhere
Day 07: A song that reminds you of a certain event
Day 08: A song that you know all the words to
Day 09: A song that you can dance to
Day 10: A song that makes you fall asleep
Day 11: A song from your favourite band
Day 12: A song from a band you hate
Day 13: A song that is a guilty pleasure
Day 14: A song that no one would expect you to love
Day 15: A song that describes you
Day 16: A song that you used to love but now hate
Day 17: A song that you hear often on the radio
Day 18: A song that you wish you heard on the radio
Day 19: A song from your favourite album
Day 20: A song that you listen to when you’re angry
Day 21: A song that you listen to when you’re happy
Day 22: A song that you listen to when you’re sad
Day 23: A song that you want to play at your wedding
Day 24: A song that you want to play at your funeral
Day 25: A song that makes you laugh
Day 26: A song that you know how to play
Day 27: A song that you wish you could play
Day 28: A song that makes you feel guilty
Day 29: A song from your childhood
Day 30: Your favourite song at this time last year
First day to follow :)
Friday, June 18, 2010
Co-habitation
At the moment I feel like I am living with 3 people - Hayley (wonderful flatmate), Jeremy (lovely boyfriend), and my crazy self. Sometimes happy and easy going, sometimes emotional and crying at the drop of a hate. Sometimes grumpy and tired and moody as fuck.
Luckily Hayley is spared from most of it, and Jeremy seems to be dealing with it quite well, and it is me that suffers the most.
Earlier this week I had a small melt down because I was getting sick and ordinarily, when not co-habitating with a guy, I would come home, put on my pjs, and hibernate in my bed with my laptop doing absolutely nothing of value. This time I came home, hopped in bed and then watched him on the laptop. Instead of really saying anything, I built it all up in my head into this big drama. I went and had a shower and came back and said that I was having trouble because I needed some time to myself, and he happily went out to the supermarket and out of my hair for a while. All the angst and drama was purely created by me in my head - arghhhh.
I am better at talking about things - but it is a big change for me. And I think he appreciates that and gets it for the most part.
Apart from those small 'Arghh I need some me-time' moments, everything is going well. Small silly arguments but nothing major yet. Both get tired and grumpy but we're able to hug it out after a wee while.
So is the need for me-time just normal?? I think it also comes down to living in such a small space, and not having a lot of room to stretch out. Plus I am not very good at sharing. Im not an only child so Ive shared a lot in the past with my brother (and none of that 'I want to play with that toy cos he is' kind of drama) - but that was quite a while ago, and Ive never had to share a room.
For those who have shared rooms with siblings - does that make living with a partner any easier? Is it just that it will take time to adjust to always being in each others face? And any tips or suggestions on making the transition go smoothly???
Luckily Hayley is spared from most of it, and Jeremy seems to be dealing with it quite well, and it is me that suffers the most.
Earlier this week I had a small melt down because I was getting sick and ordinarily, when not co-habitating with a guy, I would come home, put on my pjs, and hibernate in my bed with my laptop doing absolutely nothing of value. This time I came home, hopped in bed and then watched him on the laptop. Instead of really saying anything, I built it all up in my head into this big drama. I went and had a shower and came back and said that I was having trouble because I needed some time to myself, and he happily went out to the supermarket and out of my hair for a while. All the angst and drama was purely created by me in my head - arghhhh.
I am better at talking about things - but it is a big change for me. And I think he appreciates that and gets it for the most part.
Apart from those small 'Arghh I need some me-time' moments, everything is going well. Small silly arguments but nothing major yet. Both get tired and grumpy but we're able to hug it out after a wee while.
So is the need for me-time just normal?? I think it also comes down to living in such a small space, and not having a lot of room to stretch out. Plus I am not very good at sharing. Im not an only child so Ive shared a lot in the past with my brother (and none of that 'I want to play with that toy cos he is' kind of drama) - but that was quite a while ago, and Ive never had to share a room.
For those who have shared rooms with siblings - does that make living with a partner any easier? Is it just that it will take time to adjust to always being in each others face? And any tips or suggestions on making the transition go smoothly???
Monday, May 24, 2010
One small step for man, one giant leap for Candi....
So J has moved in. I mean, he was there over half the time anyway - but yesterday we were thinking he should just start living there full time. Scary shit. First time either of us have lived with a partner. And we've only been together for 4 months. We're both a little nervous and apprehensive at sharing a space all the time - mostly cos its new and that makes it scary. And a bit exciting. He also mentioned feeling slightly weird over the fact that he has come into my space - but then its just for a few months (well, till near the end of the year - when we will find a flat that is also dog-appropriate).
Ive never had to share a room before. Im not an only child, and Ive been flatting for a while, so Im used to sharing in general - but not my own personal space. But fingers crossed that we can do this. And as long as we keep our communication open and honest - we should be ok. His mum and stepdad are super supportive too so thats nice.
And hopefully we dont drive Hayley nuts. We were acting like children yesterday having silly arguments in the kitchen (the "theres another loaf of bread", "well youre a loaf of bread" type of arguments lol) - to which she said "and my mother wonders why I dont want kids..." lol. Luckily she is awesome and easygoing so hopefully it all works out nicely :)
Ive never had to share a room before. Im not an only child, and Ive been flatting for a while, so Im used to sharing in general - but not my own personal space. But fingers crossed that we can do this. And as long as we keep our communication open and honest - we should be ok. His mum and stepdad are super supportive too so thats nice.
And hopefully we dont drive Hayley nuts. We were acting like children yesterday having silly arguments in the kitchen (the "theres another loaf of bread", "well youre a loaf of bread" type of arguments lol) - to which she said "and my mother wonders why I dont want kids..." lol. Luckily she is awesome and easygoing so hopefully it all works out nicely :)
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
L is for the way you look at me
Candi is officially in love, and loved back.
So the L word was said last night. First time Ive had it said to me, and returned it back (other than the obvious friends and family). Its a bit exciting. A bit scary, but mostly just causing this giant smile on my face :)
We had a weekend away up in Palmy, and despite tiredness and a few down moments, it went really well. We are able to deal with each other quite well when the other is tired and quiet, and communicate really well too - which has always been a difficult one for me. Its just so much easier now.
And he has told his mum about the Nora stuff. He told me this morning, and it made me slightly uncomfortable. He has told her because she is a life coach, and deals with that sort of thing, and can actually help when Im ready to sit down and talk to her about it. Which is nice. And I realise the reason he did it is because he does want to help me. And because its no longer just my problem, its his too. The fact that it affects me, in turn ends up affecting him, especially when Im in a period where she is talking to me, and I am listening (which thankfully is less often than it used to be). His mum is lovely too, so that helps. It just might take me a wee while before I go to her for it, and he has specified that she said she would love to help, and that she will wait for me to bring it up, rather than making me feel like i have to talk about it whenever im round there.
Understanding boyfriend who loves me?? Yeah lifes pretty sweet right now :)
So the L word was said last night. First time Ive had it said to me, and returned it back (other than the obvious friends and family). Its a bit exciting. A bit scary, but mostly just causing this giant smile on my face :)
We had a weekend away up in Palmy, and despite tiredness and a few down moments, it went really well. We are able to deal with each other quite well when the other is tired and quiet, and communicate really well too - which has always been a difficult one for me. Its just so much easier now.
And he has told his mum about the Nora stuff. He told me this morning, and it made me slightly uncomfortable. He has told her because she is a life coach, and deals with that sort of thing, and can actually help when Im ready to sit down and talk to her about it. Which is nice. And I realise the reason he did it is because he does want to help me. And because its no longer just my problem, its his too. The fact that it affects me, in turn ends up affecting him, especially when Im in a period where she is talking to me, and I am listening (which thankfully is less often than it used to be). His mum is lovely too, so that helps. It just might take me a wee while before I go to her for it, and he has specified that she said she would love to help, and that she will wait for me to bring it up, rather than making me feel like i have to talk about it whenever im round there.
Understanding boyfriend who loves me?? Yeah lifes pretty sweet right now :)
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
So I said heyyyyy whats going on?
So as a follow up to last post, glad that Jeremy has not officially moved in. Had a few more down days between then and now, but mostly good. And I have to say (without gushing) that he really is amazingly supportive, and just amazing in general. Im getting so much better at opening up to him (anyone who knows me, knows this can often be a struggle - like getting blood from a stone...). He lets me know that he thinks Im gorgeous, he lets me cry when need be, without getting freaked out about it - just gives me hugs and lets it pass.... Special :)
The L word still has not been spoken yet... I dont want to do it first, just on principle haha.
And enjoying when we have time apart too. Even enjoying nights on my own without him - I get the whole bed to myself!! Haha. And whats great about boys - is they are like a cuddly electric blanket - without the power costs haha.
Ok I dont know what Im writing now. Getting frustrated and a bit disheartened with the whole job thing. I want a real one. I want to be working with animals.... Argh.
Apart from that, not a lot going on. Loving Wellington, loving my flat, and enjoying life at the moment (other than work...)
The L word still has not been spoken yet... I dont want to do it first, just on principle haha.
And enjoying when we have time apart too. Even enjoying nights on my own without him - I get the whole bed to myself!! Haha. And whats great about boys - is they are like a cuddly electric blanket - without the power costs haha.
Ok I dont know what Im writing now. Getting frustrated and a bit disheartened with the whole job thing. I want a real one. I want to be working with animals.... Argh.
Apart from that, not a lot going on. Loving Wellington, loving my flat, and enjoying life at the moment (other than work...)
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Depression
I have to remember that for every good day I have, there will still be bad days as well. Depression does not magically fix itself and go away. And I need to stop beating myself up when I do have a bad day, and accept it. Cos at least I am having many more good days than bad, and believe in a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel.
Part of what has prompted this down bit is that I asked J to move in with me yesterday. It is convenient, but also, I actually want to spend that much time with him. For someone who used to be very fiercely independent, it is difficult to adjust to. And at times when I have too much time on my hands, I think about it, and freak myself out. I dont even think we are going too fast or whatever. It just seems right, and I think that is what freaks me out...
So J's flatmates have asked him to move out, due to it being their first home together and wanting their own space. Makes sense. And he has a backup, such as his mums place. But I talked to my wonderful flatmate about it yesterday and she agreed that it would be ok for him to move in. And I stupidly brought it up and he politely declined, and then now I feel shit. It makes sense for him to say no. I told myself I wouldnt be offended if it happened, seeing as we have only known each other a couple of months, and been officially in a relationship for one month now. But I still feel a bit sad that he doesnt want to. And instead of telling myself to snap out of it, Im trying to allow myself to be sad for a little bit. I had a little cry last night, and we talked about it. And it does make sense, and it doesnt seem like something I should take personally. But Im still sad, and thats ok, as long as I dont sulk about it for too long. And he doesnt want to spend tonight together, which is fine cos we dont need to spend every night with each other, but the sad side of me is thinking that I have freaked him out and he wants some time away from me. And even if that is silly, Im just going to allow it for now...
Part of what has prompted this down bit is that I asked J to move in with me yesterday. It is convenient, but also, I actually want to spend that much time with him. For someone who used to be very fiercely independent, it is difficult to adjust to. And at times when I have too much time on my hands, I think about it, and freak myself out. I dont even think we are going too fast or whatever. It just seems right, and I think that is what freaks me out...
So J's flatmates have asked him to move out, due to it being their first home together and wanting their own space. Makes sense. And he has a backup, such as his mums place. But I talked to my wonderful flatmate about it yesterday and she agreed that it would be ok for him to move in. And I stupidly brought it up and he politely declined, and then now I feel shit. It makes sense for him to say no. I told myself I wouldnt be offended if it happened, seeing as we have only known each other a couple of months, and been officially in a relationship for one month now. But I still feel a bit sad that he doesnt want to. And instead of telling myself to snap out of it, Im trying to allow myself to be sad for a little bit. I had a little cry last night, and we talked about it. And it does make sense, and it doesnt seem like something I should take personally. But Im still sad, and thats ok, as long as I dont sulk about it for too long. And he doesnt want to spend tonight together, which is fine cos we dont need to spend every night with each other, but the sad side of me is thinking that I have freaked him out and he wants some time away from me. And even if that is silly, Im just going to allow it for now...
Friday, March 26, 2010
This Way of Life
I went and saw this movie/documentary last night. And havent stopped thinking about it since.
The tag line is Peter's quote "What do I do for a living? I live for a living", and it sums everything up nicely.
Here is a family, who don't have a lot, and then go on to lose a whole lot more. And yet they are some of the happiest people I've seen. The kids (there are 6 of them) are just always smiling and all get along so well, and all without television or much in the way of material posessions.
They have each other, their horses, and thats about it. Its just made me appreciate that family and friends are what its all about, and 'stuff' is really just that - its just STUFF. Who cares if you dont have a fancy tv or a nice car? Who cares if you have fuck all money?
Just so inspiring and thought provoking, and makes you appreciate what youve got. So many people have so much, and yet are miserable. And these guys have nothing, and are so happy and grateful with what they have, and feel blessed just to have each other.
The tag line is Peter's quote "What do I do for a living? I live for a living", and it sums everything up nicely.
Here is a family, who don't have a lot, and then go on to lose a whole lot more. And yet they are some of the happiest people I've seen. The kids (there are 6 of them) are just always smiling and all get along so well, and all without television or much in the way of material posessions.
They have each other, their horses, and thats about it. Its just made me appreciate that family and friends are what its all about, and 'stuff' is really just that - its just STUFF. Who cares if you dont have a fancy tv or a nice car? Who cares if you have fuck all money?
Just so inspiring and thought provoking, and makes you appreciate what youve got. So many people have so much, and yet are miserable. And these guys have nothing, and are so happy and grateful with what they have, and feel blessed just to have each other.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Hypocrite much?
So I take it back. All the times I have been a bitter old hag to those around me in new relationships, I apologise. I used to get so frustrated with friends who spent ALL their time with new partners and hardly ever made time for their friends. And while I still think it is dumb to do that, I now see exactly how it happens as I have become guilty of the same thing.
I just love spending my time with him. And when Im not spending time with him, Im somewhat bored and wishing he was around. Do I just enjoy this while it lasts? Its got to wear off eventually right??
I just have never felt this way before, where I have actually wanted to spend so much time with someone. I always think of myself as a pretty independent person. And even when there have been guys involved previously, Ive been more than happy to retain my independence and spend only a small amount of time with said guy. And now - Ive seen him everyday for the last week and I couldnt be happier about it.
Part of me wonders if it is partly cos I dont have that many friends down here, so its not as if I have other options or whatever.... But even when I went home last weekend and hung with Amy and went to a friends wedding, I couldnt wait to come back and see him, even though I spend Saturday morning with him anyway and it was only about 36 hours apart....
Crazy. Who am I?
I just love spending my time with him. And when Im not spending time with him, Im somewhat bored and wishing he was around. Do I just enjoy this while it lasts? Its got to wear off eventually right??
I just have never felt this way before, where I have actually wanted to spend so much time with someone. I always think of myself as a pretty independent person. And even when there have been guys involved previously, Ive been more than happy to retain my independence and spend only a small amount of time with said guy. And now - Ive seen him everyday for the last week and I couldnt be happier about it.
Part of me wonders if it is partly cos I dont have that many friends down here, so its not as if I have other options or whatever.... But even when I went home last weekend and hung with Amy and went to a friends wedding, I couldnt wait to come back and see him, even though I spend Saturday morning with him anyway and it was only about 36 hours apart....
Crazy. Who am I?
Friday, March 5, 2010
Happy? Or should that be... Happy!!!
Its such a weird feeling... Not really used to it, but man is it awesome :)
So I have this wonderful boyfriend. Hes actually just amazing. Makes me laugh and smile just thinking about him, plus I can have serious conversations with him about all sorts. I opened up to him last night about all my family drama, more specifically all the shit with mum, and it was actually pretty easy, which was nice. And he opens up and talks to me so easily about all sorts - its just awesome.
Bascially I could gush on for ages about how amazing he is, and how Im actually happy, but I think this short little story does more than enough :)
So I have this wonderful boyfriend. Hes actually just amazing. Makes me laugh and smile just thinking about him, plus I can have serious conversations with him about all sorts. I opened up to him last night about all my family drama, more specifically all the shit with mum, and it was actually pretty easy, which was nice. And he opens up and talks to me so easily about all sorts - its just awesome.
Bascially I could gush on for ages about how amazing he is, and how Im actually happy, but I think this short little story does more than enough :)
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Animals
This story has got me thinking, and means a rant for you all: wild animals
If you take a 3 tonne whale out of its habitat, and stick it in a glorified swimming pool, is it really surprising that eventually it is going to get really pissed off?? This is the 3rd "incident". It could very well just be playing - I mean, its a 3 tonne animal, playing with a much smaller mammal - strength and power are on its side. But it could very well be saying "fuck off and stop making me do tricks, I want to be freeeee!!"
And it reminds me how much I love wild animals. And because of this i often think I would like to work in a zoo to get to help them, and to educate people so that they give a shit. But then I remember that zoos also make me sad. Sure we get to see them, but I look at them and see how amazing they are, and how magnificent they would be in the wild. Others go as a form of entertainment, to watch animals perform and do tricks and to laugh at the funny things they do. Things we have taught them to do, or that they have learnt to do out of boredom and frustration.
There is a purpose to zoos - education, breeding programs, that sort of thing. But wild animals should be just that. And it is human's fault that they cant. Because humans have spent their lives killing animals, and destroying their homes, just so that we may have a place to live. How is that fair?
People go swimming and a shark attacks them, and then people get mad and the shark gets hunted down. Im sorry, but who actually lives in the water?? Im pretty sure the person has gone into the sharks territory first. Its not like the shark got out of the sea, bowled on up to their front door and then attacked them unprovoked. If someone breaks into your house, you act on the defensive right - call police or attack said person if its that serious. So why are animals not allowed to do that when we invade their homes?
I need to stop ranting cos the whole thing just makes me angry and my thoughts get very unstructured...
I would like to work with wild animals in a way that helps them. But then the very introduction of human interaction is really a negative impact on their environment as well. If animals can be bred, and raised, without too much cuddling and humanising, and then let into the wild, and not poached, and not have their environment destroyed by people, then they could stand a chance...
If you take a 3 tonne whale out of its habitat, and stick it in a glorified swimming pool, is it really surprising that eventually it is going to get really pissed off?? This is the 3rd "incident". It could very well just be playing - I mean, its a 3 tonne animal, playing with a much smaller mammal - strength and power are on its side. But it could very well be saying "fuck off and stop making me do tricks, I want to be freeeee!!"
And it reminds me how much I love wild animals. And because of this i often think I would like to work in a zoo to get to help them, and to educate people so that they give a shit. But then I remember that zoos also make me sad. Sure we get to see them, but I look at them and see how amazing they are, and how magnificent they would be in the wild. Others go as a form of entertainment, to watch animals perform and do tricks and to laugh at the funny things they do. Things we have taught them to do, or that they have learnt to do out of boredom and frustration.
There is a purpose to zoos - education, breeding programs, that sort of thing. But wild animals should be just that. And it is human's fault that they cant. Because humans have spent their lives killing animals, and destroying their homes, just so that we may have a place to live. How is that fair?
People go swimming and a shark attacks them, and then people get mad and the shark gets hunted down. Im sorry, but who actually lives in the water?? Im pretty sure the person has gone into the sharks territory first. Its not like the shark got out of the sea, bowled on up to their front door and then attacked them unprovoked. If someone breaks into your house, you act on the defensive right - call police or attack said person if its that serious. So why are animals not allowed to do that when we invade their homes?
I need to stop ranting cos the whole thing just makes me angry and my thoughts get very unstructured...
I would like to work with wild animals in a way that helps them. But then the very introduction of human interaction is really a negative impact on their environment as well. If animals can be bred, and raised, without too much cuddling and humanising, and then let into the wild, and not poached, and not have their environment destroyed by people, then they could stand a chance...
Don't be cruel
You should check out companies who care, to see which ones you should buy products from that don't test on poor little animals.
The more I think about what Im eating, the less I want to eat meat. I dont know if I could be a full on vegetarian, but I do try to make sure that I buy the more friendly stuff - eg free farmed pork, free range eggs (actually I buy my eggs from a girl at work who raises her own hens on her farm - I have met said chickens and they are pretty happy). Maybe I just need to think about where my meat comes from and that will stop me wanting to eat it. Any other suggestions of food that you can buy that is friendly-ish??
My other problem is my anatomical knowledge, and picturing the piece of the animal that my meat came from... Like eating lamb shanks and knowing what the bone is and where it fits and what its used for and all that. My imagination is often too vivid for my own good....
The more I think about what Im eating, the less I want to eat meat. I dont know if I could be a full on vegetarian, but I do try to make sure that I buy the more friendly stuff - eg free farmed pork, free range eggs (actually I buy my eggs from a girl at work who raises her own hens on her farm - I have met said chickens and they are pretty happy). Maybe I just need to think about where my meat comes from and that will stop me wanting to eat it. Any other suggestions of food that you can buy that is friendly-ish??
My other problem is my anatomical knowledge, and picturing the piece of the animal that my meat came from... Like eating lamb shanks and knowing what the bone is and where it fits and what its used for and all that. My imagination is often too vivid for my own good....
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Rambling on
So work is boring and somewhat unfulfilling. Im good at what I do, but then its typing and data entry, so it really isn't difficult. Im super fast and efficient, but its easy, so that doesnt feel like much of an accomplishment...
I think my desire to run off and travel and do a hundred things at once gets stronger at times like this - when I am bored and unsatisfied (dissatisfied?) with life in general. And aside from that, I am pretty happy, but just bored.
I have come to accept and appreciate the Fluox. After fighting it for so long and wanting to have it over and done with, I accept that those pretty little pills actually do help. And it isnt shameful to need help, or to accept it, even in little pretty pill form. They help me get out of bed, and stop me from wanting to do stupid things like driving into head-on traffic, or throwing up as a means of losing weight, or having panic attacks and not being able to calm myself down to the point of almost passing out. I mean, as fun as all those things are, they just dont really help with the day-to-day living of life. Pills that make living life easier = good. I can deal with that now and Im not fighting it - which I think is probably a good step on the path to getting mentally well, or mentally better at least right?
I do need therapy. I do want to get it so that I can function without said pills eventually. It just costs money and whatnot. But I will do it. I would like to like myself and be comfortable with myself. I would like to not be so paranoid that everyone hates me or dislikes me. I would like to like myself enough not to give a shit if people dont like me. I would like to be able to enjoy a casual consensual sex friendship thing, without thinking that its because I am not good enough for a relationship. I would like not to doubt myself at every step and every opportunity. I would like for my first thought when I cant see a friends posts on a journal, to not be that this has been done because they no longer like me, or want to be able to bitch about me without me seeing it....
My first thought in most situations is automatically on the negative. I know Nora is to blame for that, and I want to learn constructive ways to shut her up and have positive thoughts automatically appear instead...
I do like that writing this helps make things clearer when life is murky, and that I can just purge all my thoughts out. I like that writing this just helped calm me down...
I think my desire to run off and travel and do a hundred things at once gets stronger at times like this - when I am bored and unsatisfied (dissatisfied?) with life in general. And aside from that, I am pretty happy, but just bored.
I have come to accept and appreciate the Fluox. After fighting it for so long and wanting to have it over and done with, I accept that those pretty little pills actually do help. And it isnt shameful to need help, or to accept it, even in little pretty pill form. They help me get out of bed, and stop me from wanting to do stupid things like driving into head-on traffic, or throwing up as a means of losing weight, or having panic attacks and not being able to calm myself down to the point of almost passing out. I mean, as fun as all those things are, they just dont really help with the day-to-day living of life. Pills that make living life easier = good. I can deal with that now and Im not fighting it - which I think is probably a good step on the path to getting mentally well, or mentally better at least right?
I do need therapy. I do want to get it so that I can function without said pills eventually. It just costs money and whatnot. But I will do it. I would like to like myself and be comfortable with myself. I would like to not be so paranoid that everyone hates me or dislikes me. I would like to like myself enough not to give a shit if people dont like me. I would like to be able to enjoy a casual consensual sex friendship thing, without thinking that its because I am not good enough for a relationship. I would like not to doubt myself at every step and every opportunity. I would like for my first thought when I cant see a friends posts on a journal, to not be that this has been done because they no longer like me, or want to be able to bitch about me without me seeing it....
My first thought in most situations is automatically on the negative. I know Nora is to blame for that, and I want to learn constructive ways to shut her up and have positive thoughts automatically appear instead...
I do like that writing this helps make things clearer when life is murky, and that I can just purge all my thoughts out. I like that writing this just helped calm me down...
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Things I want to achieve
I would like to be an organised person. You know the type that cleans up after her all the time, and does not have a room full of mess and clutter (first on my list of concerns due to a flat inspection tomorrow...)
I would like to not thrive on sugar/sweeteners/caffeine, and instead find energy in natural ways and not rely on additives....
I would like to be able to get to sleep easily at night, and wake up semi-refreshed in the morning. Or at least be just more of a morning person, since I do actually like mornings, and feel better when Im up and showered and ready for the day without so much rush...
I would like to exercise more and be less lazy. I would like to find the motivation and drive to go out and exercise because I know I need it, and I enjoy it when I do get out there...
I would like to stop eating so much crap and start thriving on healthier foods...
I would like to be able to save money so that I can afford everything I need - such as dentists, and counselling...
I would like to be happy......
I would like to not thrive on sugar/sweeteners/caffeine, and instead find energy in natural ways and not rely on additives....
I would like to be able to get to sleep easily at night, and wake up semi-refreshed in the morning. Or at least be just more of a morning person, since I do actually like mornings, and feel better when Im up and showered and ready for the day without so much rush...
I would like to exercise more and be less lazy. I would like to find the motivation and drive to go out and exercise because I know I need it, and I enjoy it when I do get out there...
I would like to stop eating so much crap and start thriving on healthier foods...
I would like to be able to save money so that I can afford everything I need - such as dentists, and counselling...
I would like to be happy......
Monday, February 22, 2010
Getting back on track
Ok so despite the last few posts, this was not destined to be a blog about boys and relationships. It was meant to be a creative outlet, and a productive space....
At the moment I miss working with animals. But then I also feel like getting a nursing job would be like a "safe" option. I mean, its also scary because Im worried that even though Ive trained for it, that I might not be that good at it - but I just need more confidence in myself. And maybe that is also part of why it would be the "safe" option - I would get into a job and then feel secure and maybe not want to leave....
I am considering teaching over in Japan. I want to go back to Japan but I feel like a short holiday might not be enough to whet my appetite.... So I might do a TEFL/TESOL course and see how that goes - and then applications for the JET program open in September so it gives me a chance to think, and maybe also re-learn some japanese...
Theres just so much I want to do. I feel like time should stand still for a while so that I can do it all, and then come back and get on with life. I want to go to Japan, I want to go to Canada (and preferably for a year or so to work and stuff, rather than just a short trip - though Im not entirely sure......). I want to maybe go back to the UK and Europe, though that would be ok to just be a long holiday, rather than having to work and live there. Though Nursing in the UK could be fun.... I want to train to work in zoos, possibly with the Unitec course. Or possibly in Australia. I also want to meet someone amazing and get married and have kids before Im too old to do so. Which is where I start to feel like I dont have enough time.....
I also mostly want to be happy, and be confident in myself and my abilities, and be strong and fit and healthy... And these seem like the most difficult things...
In the meantime, I need to try to save money. All of those things up there ^^ require money. For now I have been offered another couple of months at work, so that is good. I do need to do the dentist thing soon, which will use up some money, but then hopefully I can focus more on saving....
I just have to stop thinking about other people so much, and what they would want me to do, or how what I do affects them, and instead just do what I want. If people are really my friends, they will still be my friends whether I live close by, or far away. I can't stay in Wellington just because I really like a guy, especially when said guy does not want anything more than sex and company. I can't stay in NZ or even just the North Island because friends can't cope with me living too far away. Yes I will miss friends and family, but I just have to stop putting everyone else first!!
At the moment I miss working with animals. But then I also feel like getting a nursing job would be like a "safe" option. I mean, its also scary because Im worried that even though Ive trained for it, that I might not be that good at it - but I just need more confidence in myself. And maybe that is also part of why it would be the "safe" option - I would get into a job and then feel secure and maybe not want to leave....
I am considering teaching over in Japan. I want to go back to Japan but I feel like a short holiday might not be enough to whet my appetite.... So I might do a TEFL/TESOL course and see how that goes - and then applications for the JET program open in September so it gives me a chance to think, and maybe also re-learn some japanese...
Theres just so much I want to do. I feel like time should stand still for a while so that I can do it all, and then come back and get on with life. I want to go to Japan, I want to go to Canada (and preferably for a year or so to work and stuff, rather than just a short trip - though Im not entirely sure......). I want to maybe go back to the UK and Europe, though that would be ok to just be a long holiday, rather than having to work and live there. Though Nursing in the UK could be fun.... I want to train to work in zoos, possibly with the Unitec course. Or possibly in Australia. I also want to meet someone amazing and get married and have kids before Im too old to do so. Which is where I start to feel like I dont have enough time.....
I also mostly want to be happy, and be confident in myself and my abilities, and be strong and fit and healthy... And these seem like the most difficult things...
In the meantime, I need to try to save money. All of those things up there ^^ require money. For now I have been offered another couple of months at work, so that is good. I do need to do the dentist thing soon, which will use up some money, but then hopefully I can focus more on saving....
I just have to stop thinking about other people so much, and what they would want me to do, or how what I do affects them, and instead just do what I want. If people are really my friends, they will still be my friends whether I live close by, or far away. I can't stay in Wellington just because I really like a guy, especially when said guy does not want anything more than sex and company. I can't stay in NZ or even just the North Island because friends can't cope with me living too far away. Yes I will miss friends and family, but I just have to stop putting everyone else first!!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Update to confusion
After that last post, I had to go into town. And on the drive I thought about things. And remembered that I have known all along that this is going nowhere. He TOLD me that. But because Im a stupid, stupid girl, lurking in the back of my mind has always been the 'he could change his mind' factor. Fed by other people also, saying that I should give him time and he could change his mind.
I guess the only problem is if he is sleeping with anyone else. Given that we met on a "dating" site, its pretty much a given that hes still on there and potentially still meeting other people. If he is sleeping with them, then Im out. So I will need to have that conversation with him, purely for my own peace of mind (and health).
I guess its been a while. I like him. It makes me scared. And I dont remember the last time I met a guys friends... But he hasnt changed his mind, and he is not likely to. So now I just need to make up my own.
I guess the only problem is if he is sleeping with anyone else. Given that we met on a "dating" site, its pretty much a given that hes still on there and potentially still meeting other people. If he is sleeping with them, then Im out. So I will need to have that conversation with him, purely for my own peace of mind (and health).
I guess its been a while. I like him. It makes me scared. And I dont remember the last time I met a guys friends... But he hasnt changed his mind, and he is not likely to. So now I just need to make up my own.
Guys = confusion
So last night, went round to the boys and had drinks with him and his mates. Stupidly, in my head, thought this was a good sign. So turns out that apart from his flatmates (who are a couple), none of his friends had any idea who I was, or that I even existed before last night. So thats cool
It was fun and then he said his female flatmate was coming home soon and wanted to suss me out. So that was cool until I said 'why does she care what im like seeing as this is just for fun after all' and he said that was why she wanted to check me out.... Presumably to make sure thats all I was after as well??
So yeah, but we left to come back to my place before she got home, and I was too chicken to bring up the subject again, plus we were drunk and then hungover this morning.....
Hes about to go for a holiday for a week so I might just leave it till he comes back. I have the feeling this is really not going anywhere and I dont know whether to ignore it because I do really like spending time with him. Or just to quit. Or maybe at least just mention that its not all just fun for me anymore and see what happens....
Also he got told that he is being laid off from work and he mentioned looking around for work while hes down south next week, so that also sucks...
It was fun and then he said his female flatmate was coming home soon and wanted to suss me out. So that was cool until I said 'why does she care what im like seeing as this is just for fun after all' and he said that was why she wanted to check me out.... Presumably to make sure thats all I was after as well??
So yeah, but we left to come back to my place before she got home, and I was too chicken to bring up the subject again, plus we were drunk and then hungover this morning.....
Hes about to go for a holiday for a week so I might just leave it till he comes back. I have the feeling this is really not going anywhere and I dont know whether to ignore it because I do really like spending time with him. Or just to quit. Or maybe at least just mention that its not all just fun for me anymore and see what happens....
Also he got told that he is being laid off from work and he mentioned looking around for work while hes down south next week, so that also sucks...
Friday, February 19, 2010
More on tattoos
I also want some kind of 'karma' tattoo. And I love Kurt Halsey art. He has pretty birds, and also this pretty cat:
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Money and tattoos
Ok so new tattoos will have to be put on hold now that I have to spend uber money on teeth - damn you dentists!!! You'd think dental care would be more subsidised.....
I must admit, seeing and helping perform dentals on animals puts me off going to the dentist even more. Once youve helped do a dental procedure on a horse, with the huge instruments they use, it makes you teeth hurt just thinking about it. Especially when theyre doing the filing....... *shudder*
So I want my spider tattoo. I kinda have the spider style sorted, and I want a web included, and stars spun into the web just cos I love stars :)
Im also remembering that I want a pretty angel/faerie tattoo - but I want her to have pretty feathered wings, rather than the gossamer-looking typical faerie wings.... There is a girl who does amazing anime/digital/not sure what to call it style art in Palmy - I own a couple of her prints (and you can view some of her work at Lockerby Design (Sophie Blokker is her name - I love the wings on Milo - so pretty). I think i want it on my back.
I also want a sleeve/leg type tattoo with an animal theme - but that needs more planning cos the animals I want all live on different continents and in completely different environments/habitats so I need to work out a way to link them all together.... (any ideas are greatly appreciated :) - the animals I have in mind are polar bear (of course), red panda, tiger, cheetah, wolf....)
I must admit, seeing and helping perform dentals on animals puts me off going to the dentist even more. Once youve helped do a dental procedure on a horse, with the huge instruments they use, it makes you teeth hurt just thinking about it. Especially when theyre doing the filing....... *shudder*
So I want my spider tattoo. I kinda have the spider style sorted, and I want a web included, and stars spun into the web just cos I love stars :)
Im also remembering that I want a pretty angel/faerie tattoo - but I want her to have pretty feathered wings, rather than the gossamer-looking typical faerie wings.... There is a girl who does amazing anime/digital/not sure what to call it style art in Palmy - I own a couple of her prints (and you can view some of her work at Lockerby Design (Sophie Blokker is her name - I love the wings on Milo - so pretty). I think i want it on my back.
I also want a sleeve/leg type tattoo with an animal theme - but that needs more planning cos the animals I want all live on different continents and in completely different environments/habitats so I need to work out a way to link them all together.... (any ideas are greatly appreciated :) - the animals I have in mind are polar bear (of course), red panda, tiger, cheetah, wolf....)
I just want lots. I wish I could be covered in them. I look at pictures (like the one below of Kat Von D) and just wish I was going to work in an industry where I could do that.....
Ok thats enough for now. Should probably do some work
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Pain
Havent written/posted anything for a few days. To be honest, its hard to do much past the crazy pain in my mouth - wisdom teeth are the bain of my existence right now. Dentist this afternoon. Fingers crossed for a not-too-expensive outcome.....
All else going ok. Still seeing the guy. Still enjoying it and having much fun. Still totally falling for him but ignoring it due to the circumstances and not wanting to have my heart broken.
I want a new tattoo. I have it semi-planned. Now I just need money really....
More spider experiences - this time I had one on my arm while I was in the shower. One moment it wasnt there, and the next moment it was. So yeah. Mild panic. Looking down and seeing a giant spider on your arm = shaking said arm and spider falling into bottom of shower. Think it dried out and made it away though cos it wasnt there later on.....
Went home on the weekend to spend time with friends and family. It was weird. I couldnt wait to get back to Wellington..... And as much as I had loads of fun, I kind of felt like I didnt really belong or something. I dunno.
Thats all I have for now
All else going ok. Still seeing the guy. Still enjoying it and having much fun. Still totally falling for him but ignoring it due to the circumstances and not wanting to have my heart broken.
I want a new tattoo. I have it semi-planned. Now I just need money really....
More spider experiences - this time I had one on my arm while I was in the shower. One moment it wasnt there, and the next moment it was. So yeah. Mild panic. Looking down and seeing a giant spider on your arm = shaking said arm and spider falling into bottom of shower. Think it dried out and made it away though cos it wasnt there later on.....
Went home on the weekend to spend time with friends and family. It was weird. I couldnt wait to get back to Wellington..... And as much as I had loads of fun, I kind of felt like I didnt really belong or something. I dunno.
Thats all I have for now
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I care too much.....
I feel like I am destined to always care about people more than they care about me.
And Im not talking about guys. Well, them too, but thats not my point..... (And Mike was an example of when that wasnt true)
But with my friends as well. There are friends that I would drop everything for and be there with them in a heartbeat if they needed me. And yet I dont get that back in return.
I remember when we're little, or at least when I was little, getting told over and over again to 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. And I like to think that generally I have lived by that. I think the reason I expect people to judge me on the way I look, at least at first, is because I do the same. And on the flip side, those that I genuinely care about, I would do anything for if they needed me.
And thats not all friends. Im sure at least one person reading this will worry that it is them I am talking about, and Miss Lives-in-Auckland, it is not you. I feel our friendship is quite reciprocal (even if I cant spell the word....)
I dont know if its just because I am single and dont have a lot of other things going on, that I feel I could drop everything for someone if need be, and these other people have partners, and lives, that restrict them from just doing something at the drop of a hat.
To the point that when I went to Ireland, one of my friends got pregnant. Now, she ended up having an abortion, but I told her that if she was going to have the baby, I would come back home and help her, no questions asked. Would she do the same for me? Not a chance in hell.
Im just having a downer day, where I feel like I have all these people who are so crucuial and important in my life, and yet I dont have the same impact in theirs.
Maybe I just expect too much from other people. You'd think that by now, with the things that have happened in my life, that I would just realise that people are unreliable, and not trust anyone. But I dont want to be like that. And Im sure I probably do expect people not to care some of the time, which is why I have trouble asking for help in the first place. It would just be nice to know that when the cry for help is eventually sent out, that there would be someone on the other side willing to answer it...
And Im not talking about guys. Well, them too, but thats not my point..... (And Mike was an example of when that wasnt true)
But with my friends as well. There are friends that I would drop everything for and be there with them in a heartbeat if they needed me. And yet I dont get that back in return.
I remember when we're little, or at least when I was little, getting told over and over again to 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. And I like to think that generally I have lived by that. I think the reason I expect people to judge me on the way I look, at least at first, is because I do the same. And on the flip side, those that I genuinely care about, I would do anything for if they needed me.
And thats not all friends. Im sure at least one person reading this will worry that it is them I am talking about, and Miss Lives-in-Auckland, it is not you. I feel our friendship is quite reciprocal (even if I cant spell the word....)
I dont know if its just because I am single and dont have a lot of other things going on, that I feel I could drop everything for someone if need be, and these other people have partners, and lives, that restrict them from just doing something at the drop of a hat.
To the point that when I went to Ireland, one of my friends got pregnant. Now, she ended up having an abortion, but I told her that if she was going to have the baby, I would come back home and help her, no questions asked. Would she do the same for me? Not a chance in hell.
Im just having a downer day, where I feel like I have all these people who are so crucuial and important in my life, and yet I dont have the same impact in theirs.
Maybe I just expect too much from other people. You'd think that by now, with the things that have happened in my life, that I would just realise that people are unreliable, and not trust anyone. But I dont want to be like that. And Im sure I probably do expect people not to care some of the time, which is why I have trouble asking for help in the first place. It would just be nice to know that when the cry for help is eventually sent out, that there would be someone on the other side willing to answer it...
Monday, February 8, 2010
Which is it?
How do you tell the difference between falling for someone and just being in lust with them?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Love
So in my darkest periods of depression, I care so little about myself that I am convinced that noone else cares either. And while I dont have suicidal thoughts, I do have moments where I consider driving headfirst into oncoming traffic just to see what would happen, and to see who would care that I was physicall hurt, rather than just emotionally.....
When I was last back in Palmy I had lunch with my second mum (Jo), who incidentally, is more of a mother to me than my natural mum. And she called me up on this point with a scenario. Imagining my own funeral - who would be there, why they would be there, and how upset they would be. Sounds very morbid but it did the trick. So its things like, well my Dad would be there, because he loves me and would be really sad. Jo would be there, again cos she loves me, and would be really upset. Amy and Emma would be there, because they both love me, and would both be really upset. And their partners would be there, cos they also like me somewhat, and would be there to support Amy and Emma because they would need it. That sort of thing.
So as sad and morbid as it may sound - it did have an effect. Just to remind me how lucky I am to have these amazing people in my life who genuinely care about me. Not because of what I do or anything like that, but just because Im me. I am a very lucky girl.
And these people inspire me too. For example, one friend in particular posted a blog today about her family and issues she is having. And she is so strong and amazing and I just feel so lucky to have her in my life. And all these people who love me, are amazing and inspiring me and I am lucky to know them and be part of their lives, let alone have them love me. It puts things into perspective and helps drag me away from the dragons...
When I was last back in Palmy I had lunch with my second mum (Jo), who incidentally, is more of a mother to me than my natural mum. And she called me up on this point with a scenario. Imagining my own funeral - who would be there, why they would be there, and how upset they would be. Sounds very morbid but it did the trick. So its things like, well my Dad would be there, because he loves me and would be really sad. Jo would be there, again cos she loves me, and would be really upset. Amy and Emma would be there, because they both love me, and would both be really upset. And their partners would be there, cos they also like me somewhat, and would be there to support Amy and Emma because they would need it. That sort of thing.
So as sad and morbid as it may sound - it did have an effect. Just to remind me how lucky I am to have these amazing people in my life who genuinely care about me. Not because of what I do or anything like that, but just because Im me. I am a very lucky girl.
And these people inspire me too. For example, one friend in particular posted a blog today about her family and issues she is having. And she is so strong and amazing and I just feel so lucky to have her in my life. And all these people who love me, are amazing and inspiring me and I am lucky to know them and be part of their lives, let alone have them love me. It puts things into perspective and helps drag me away from the dragons...
Friday, February 5, 2010
Advice needed
So.... the boy.
Been hanging out for 2 weeks. Things "moved on" the other night. And then last night he says "I really enjoy your company, and i dont want to muck you round. I am looking for some fun, but not a relationship."
Cue some sadness and a few tears.
The problem is, when Im spending time with him, I am actually genuinely happy. For anyone that knows me, especially lately, that feeling in itself is quite a miracle. Everything is great and amazing and I dont remember the last time I felt like that with anyone.
And now, thinking about it and the fact that he doesnt intend it to go anywhere, makes me sad and a little angry, cos I know I deserve more than that.....
But I dont want to give it up cos he is amazing and we get on so well and 'everything' is actually amazing. So now I dont know what to do.
And for the record, when i asked if he was 'having fun' with anyone else, he told me that he wasnt and he wouldnt be that cruel.
I know that staying 'hanging out' with him could be painful in the long run if I get my hopes up and wish for it to become more than it is. But then I think if I just remember that its not going to be anything long-term then maybe it will be ok.
I dont know. Im sure I just want people to say that Im young and Im allowed fun and happiness without having to expect anything further down the track. But what do you honestly think?
Been hanging out for 2 weeks. Things "moved on" the other night. And then last night he says "I really enjoy your company, and i dont want to muck you round. I am looking for some fun, but not a relationship."
Cue some sadness and a few tears.
The problem is, when Im spending time with him, I am actually genuinely happy. For anyone that knows me, especially lately, that feeling in itself is quite a miracle. Everything is great and amazing and I dont remember the last time I felt like that with anyone.
And now, thinking about it and the fact that he doesnt intend it to go anywhere, makes me sad and a little angry, cos I know I deserve more than that.....
But I dont want to give it up cos he is amazing and we get on so well and 'everything' is actually amazing. So now I dont know what to do.
And for the record, when i asked if he was 'having fun' with anyone else, he told me that he wasnt and he wouldnt be that cruel.
I know that staying 'hanging out' with him could be painful in the long run if I get my hopes up and wish for it to become more than it is. But then I think if I just remember that its not going to be anything long-term then maybe it will be ok.
I dont know. Im sure I just want people to say that Im young and Im allowed fun and happiness without having to expect anything further down the track. But what do you honestly think?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Bodypump rules
So I went along to a bodypump class yesterday afternoon. It has been ages since I have been to one - like not since the beginning of last year. Thankfully today I am less sore than the first ever time I did the class, and I can even walk!!
But I just forgot how much I enjoyed it. Not because I feel like I have to do exercise to lose weight (although that is always in the back of my mind), but because I like knowing I am doing something good for myself. I remember going regularly and enjoying it whenever I got to a point where I could add more weight to my bar, and knowing I was getting stronger. Its quite an empowering feeling to some point.
My next aim is bodycombat cos I also loved that class. I know that might hurt more, and involves a lot more cardio so will be more challenging. But punching and kicking imaginary things/objects/people is such good stress relief. That and then some yoga mixed in should do me for a while. The guy at the gym told me I could also do bodystep and bodyattack for variety. Attack I like. Step i do like sometimes. So for now rather than doing it because I have to, i might do the stuff I enjoy doing until going becomes some form of a habit.
Enjoying exercise is quite a revelation to me. I always knew I liked classes but focusing in on the other good points is helping too :)
Of course, this could all change tomorrow when the real aftereffects of bodypump kick in - the second day afterwards is usually the killer
But I just forgot how much I enjoyed it. Not because I feel like I have to do exercise to lose weight (although that is always in the back of my mind), but because I like knowing I am doing something good for myself. I remember going regularly and enjoying it whenever I got to a point where I could add more weight to my bar, and knowing I was getting stronger. Its quite an empowering feeling to some point.
My next aim is bodycombat cos I also loved that class. I know that might hurt more, and involves a lot more cardio so will be more challenging. But punching and kicking imaginary things/objects/people is such good stress relief. That and then some yoga mixed in should do me for a while. The guy at the gym told me I could also do bodystep and bodyattack for variety. Attack I like. Step i do like sometimes. So for now rather than doing it because I have to, i might do the stuff I enjoy doing until going becomes some form of a habit.
Enjoying exercise is quite a revelation to me. I always knew I liked classes but focusing in on the other good points is helping too :)
Of course, this could all change tomorrow when the real aftereffects of bodypump kick in - the second day afterwards is usually the killer
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Screw inner beauty
Yeah, you heard me!!
Ok so I randomly heard about this book and promptly bought myself a copy ($5 off Trademe - thank you very much!!). Its written by two short, and self-confessed fatties who have lost weight countless times, only to gain it back, plus some. The idea of this book is to ditch the diets and self-loathing and learning to like yourself as you are. Excuse me?? People are allowed to like themselves if they are fat? I thought that was against the point? I thought that was the whole reason that the diet industry - with their programmes and books and 'help' - make millions of dollars. Cos fat = unhappy.
Now I will admit that I am only one chapter into the book, as I only started it today. But already I love it. Well, I love their style of writing. They swear, they tell things how it is, they criticise the media in the best ways. Its awesome.
I dont know the ladies who wrote it. I am not getting paid to promote them or anything like that. It just so far, within like 20 pages, has made me cracking up laughing. A self-help style book. Bizarre but true.
For more info on it: http://www.allenandunwin.com/default.aspx?page=94&book=9781741758498
The writers themselves have blogs and recommend blogs of others, so you will be able to find them in my 'links' as I get further into the book :)
Ok so I randomly heard about this book and promptly bought myself a copy ($5 off Trademe - thank you very much!!). Its written by two short, and self-confessed fatties who have lost weight countless times, only to gain it back, plus some. The idea of this book is to ditch the diets and self-loathing and learning to like yourself as you are. Excuse me?? People are allowed to like themselves if they are fat? I thought that was against the point? I thought that was the whole reason that the diet industry - with their programmes and books and 'help' - make millions of dollars. Cos fat = unhappy.
Now I will admit that I am only one chapter into the book, as I only started it today. But already I love it. Well, I love their style of writing. They swear, they tell things how it is, they criticise the media in the best ways. Its awesome.
I dont know the ladies who wrote it. I am not getting paid to promote them or anything like that. It just so far, within like 20 pages, has made me cracking up laughing. A self-help style book. Bizarre but true.
For more info on it: http://www.allenandunwin.com/default.aspx?page=94&book=9781741758498
The writers themselves have blogs and recommend blogs of others, so you will be able to find them in my 'links' as I get further into the book :)
Monday, February 1, 2010
1st of the month
How crazy is it that it is February already??!!!!! Madness I tell you.
So this month I have a few goals. At the end of the month a friend of mine from high school is coming over from Sydney and we have not caught up in donkeys years (ages!!) so that will be nice. And all going well, my brother and his family are also up at the end of the month for a wedding. I will see Sarah and the kids, but hopefully Josh also comes up cos I havent seen him since 2005!! Crazy. Oh and also, booked in for the Wellington Round the Bays 7km walk on the 21st Feb.
So - time to stick to Jenny and get on track of eating. I have a free 3 week trial at Les Mills gym so I need to use that and start working on getting fit. And just be in a better general space for catching up and being happy.
Also having another friend get married at the beginning of March so would like to be able to wear a pretty dress :) Typical girly thing but I want it!!!
Also hung out with Jeremy last night. Watched anime and just talked - and another hug. Man I do love hugs. So good.
So this month I have a few goals. At the end of the month a friend of mine from high school is coming over from Sydney and we have not caught up in donkeys years (ages!!) so that will be nice. And all going well, my brother and his family are also up at the end of the month for a wedding. I will see Sarah and the kids, but hopefully Josh also comes up cos I havent seen him since 2005!! Crazy. Oh and also, booked in for the Wellington Round the Bays 7km walk on the 21st Feb.
So - time to stick to Jenny and get on track of eating. I have a free 3 week trial at Les Mills gym so I need to use that and start working on getting fit. And just be in a better general space for catching up and being happy.
Also having another friend get married at the beginning of March so would like to be able to wear a pretty dress :) Typical girly thing but I want it!!!
Also hung out with Jeremy last night. Watched anime and just talked - and another hug. Man I do love hugs. So good.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Discoveries
I am at a period in my life where I am discovering emotion. 26 years old might seem a little late for finding such a path, but better late than never.
And feelings and emotions really do occur when you least expect them. Like feeling like you might never genuinely be happy, and then being utterly comfortable and joyous when hanging out with a guy and discussing fictional unicorns in your backyard, that live off bananas. And for once, I dont want this to work out with him because I want marriage and kids and all that kind of stuff, I want it to work out because I like being around him, and having him around, and I like myself when Im around him because I actually am being myself, and not some bizarre version of myself that I think he would appreciate. Hanging out with him makes me feel HAPPY.
And while I want something to happen, Im very excited with a stray hand touching my arm, or a hug at the end of the night, and look forward to seeing him next, rather than disappointed that we havent kissed or whatever. Its anticipation and excitement and its something that I havent experienced in a long time, if ever.
And the fact that his name is the same as that of the first guy I ever cared about (who passed away just over 6 years ago now), doesnt even bother me, or occur to me now that I am getting to know him. Its just his name. And that in itself is quite a relief. And the 'old' Jeremy - yes he made me happy, and yes I got to be myself around him (and he was the last guy that I was like that with I think....), but it wasnt as relaxing or comfortable as it is now. And maybe thats just because Ive grown up since 'our' time together, and despite the dragons and my overwhelming disharmony with myself, perhaps I am getting to know and like myself more after all....
And feelings and emotions really do occur when you least expect them. Like feeling like you might never genuinely be happy, and then being utterly comfortable and joyous when hanging out with a guy and discussing fictional unicorns in your backyard, that live off bananas. And for once, I dont want this to work out with him because I want marriage and kids and all that kind of stuff, I want it to work out because I like being around him, and having him around, and I like myself when Im around him because I actually am being myself, and not some bizarre version of myself that I think he would appreciate. Hanging out with him makes me feel HAPPY.
And while I want something to happen, Im very excited with a stray hand touching my arm, or a hug at the end of the night, and look forward to seeing him next, rather than disappointed that we havent kissed or whatever. Its anticipation and excitement and its something that I havent experienced in a long time, if ever.
And the fact that his name is the same as that of the first guy I ever cared about (who passed away just over 6 years ago now), doesnt even bother me, or occur to me now that I am getting to know him. Its just his name. And that in itself is quite a relief. And the 'old' Jeremy - yes he made me happy, and yes I got to be myself around him (and he was the last guy that I was like that with I think....), but it wasnt as relaxing or comfortable as it is now. And maybe thats just because Ive grown up since 'our' time together, and despite the dragons and my overwhelming disharmony with myself, perhaps I am getting to know and like myself more after all....
A new leaf
So I have decided to use this as a real blog/creative outlet/something worthy of being read perhaps. I dont know
Dreams, goals, inspirations, rants, insights, etc etc
Watch this space
Dreams, goals, inspirations, rants, insights, etc etc
Watch this space
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