This story has got me thinking, and means a rant for you all: wild animals
If you take a 3 tonne whale out of its habitat, and stick it in a glorified swimming pool, is it really surprising that eventually it is going to get really pissed off?? This is the 3rd "incident". It could very well just be playing - I mean, its a 3 tonne animal, playing with a much smaller mammal - strength and power are on its side. But it could very well be saying "fuck off and stop making me do tricks, I want to be freeeee!!"
And it reminds me how much I love wild animals. And because of this i often think I would like to work in a zoo to get to help them, and to educate people so that they give a shit. But then I remember that zoos also make me sad. Sure we get to see them, but I look at them and see how amazing they are, and how magnificent they would be in the wild. Others go as a form of entertainment, to watch animals perform and do tricks and to laugh at the funny things they do. Things we have taught them to do, or that they have learnt to do out of boredom and frustration.
There is a purpose to zoos - education, breeding programs, that sort of thing. But wild animals should be just that. And it is human's fault that they cant. Because humans have spent their lives killing animals, and destroying their homes, just so that we may have a place to live. How is that fair?
People go swimming and a shark attacks them, and then people get mad and the shark gets hunted down. Im sorry, but who actually lives in the water?? Im pretty sure the person has gone into the sharks territory first. Its not like the shark got out of the sea, bowled on up to their front door and then attacked them unprovoked. If someone breaks into your house, you act on the defensive right - call police or attack said person if its that serious. So why are animals not allowed to do that when we invade their homes?
I need to stop ranting cos the whole thing just makes me angry and my thoughts get very unstructured...
I would like to work with wild animals in a way that helps them. But then the very introduction of human interaction is really a negative impact on their environment as well. If animals can be bred, and raised, without too much cuddling and humanising, and then let into the wild, and not poached, and not have their environment destroyed by people, then they could stand a chance...
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Don't be cruel
You should check out companies who care, to see which ones you should buy products from that don't test on poor little animals.
The more I think about what Im eating, the less I want to eat meat. I dont know if I could be a full on vegetarian, but I do try to make sure that I buy the more friendly stuff - eg free farmed pork, free range eggs (actually I buy my eggs from a girl at work who raises her own hens on her farm - I have met said chickens and they are pretty happy). Maybe I just need to think about where my meat comes from and that will stop me wanting to eat it. Any other suggestions of food that you can buy that is friendly-ish??
My other problem is my anatomical knowledge, and picturing the piece of the animal that my meat came from... Like eating lamb shanks and knowing what the bone is and where it fits and what its used for and all that. My imagination is often too vivid for my own good....
The more I think about what Im eating, the less I want to eat meat. I dont know if I could be a full on vegetarian, but I do try to make sure that I buy the more friendly stuff - eg free farmed pork, free range eggs (actually I buy my eggs from a girl at work who raises her own hens on her farm - I have met said chickens and they are pretty happy). Maybe I just need to think about where my meat comes from and that will stop me wanting to eat it. Any other suggestions of food that you can buy that is friendly-ish??
My other problem is my anatomical knowledge, and picturing the piece of the animal that my meat came from... Like eating lamb shanks and knowing what the bone is and where it fits and what its used for and all that. My imagination is often too vivid for my own good....
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Rambling on
So work is boring and somewhat unfulfilling. Im good at what I do, but then its typing and data entry, so it really isn't difficult. Im super fast and efficient, but its easy, so that doesnt feel like much of an accomplishment...
I think my desire to run off and travel and do a hundred things at once gets stronger at times like this - when I am bored and unsatisfied (dissatisfied?) with life in general. And aside from that, I am pretty happy, but just bored.
I have come to accept and appreciate the Fluox. After fighting it for so long and wanting to have it over and done with, I accept that those pretty little pills actually do help. And it isnt shameful to need help, or to accept it, even in little pretty pill form. They help me get out of bed, and stop me from wanting to do stupid things like driving into head-on traffic, or throwing up as a means of losing weight, or having panic attacks and not being able to calm myself down to the point of almost passing out. I mean, as fun as all those things are, they just dont really help with the day-to-day living of life. Pills that make living life easier = good. I can deal with that now and Im not fighting it - which I think is probably a good step on the path to getting mentally well, or mentally better at least right?
I do need therapy. I do want to get it so that I can function without said pills eventually. It just costs money and whatnot. But I will do it. I would like to like myself and be comfortable with myself. I would like to not be so paranoid that everyone hates me or dislikes me. I would like to like myself enough not to give a shit if people dont like me. I would like to be able to enjoy a casual consensual sex friendship thing, without thinking that its because I am not good enough for a relationship. I would like not to doubt myself at every step and every opportunity. I would like for my first thought when I cant see a friends posts on a journal, to not be that this has been done because they no longer like me, or want to be able to bitch about me without me seeing it....
My first thought in most situations is automatically on the negative. I know Nora is to blame for that, and I want to learn constructive ways to shut her up and have positive thoughts automatically appear instead...
I do like that writing this helps make things clearer when life is murky, and that I can just purge all my thoughts out. I like that writing this just helped calm me down...
I think my desire to run off and travel and do a hundred things at once gets stronger at times like this - when I am bored and unsatisfied (dissatisfied?) with life in general. And aside from that, I am pretty happy, but just bored.
I have come to accept and appreciate the Fluox. After fighting it for so long and wanting to have it over and done with, I accept that those pretty little pills actually do help. And it isnt shameful to need help, or to accept it, even in little pretty pill form. They help me get out of bed, and stop me from wanting to do stupid things like driving into head-on traffic, or throwing up as a means of losing weight, or having panic attacks and not being able to calm myself down to the point of almost passing out. I mean, as fun as all those things are, they just dont really help with the day-to-day living of life. Pills that make living life easier = good. I can deal with that now and Im not fighting it - which I think is probably a good step on the path to getting mentally well, or mentally better at least right?
I do need therapy. I do want to get it so that I can function without said pills eventually. It just costs money and whatnot. But I will do it. I would like to like myself and be comfortable with myself. I would like to not be so paranoid that everyone hates me or dislikes me. I would like to like myself enough not to give a shit if people dont like me. I would like to be able to enjoy a casual consensual sex friendship thing, without thinking that its because I am not good enough for a relationship. I would like not to doubt myself at every step and every opportunity. I would like for my first thought when I cant see a friends posts on a journal, to not be that this has been done because they no longer like me, or want to be able to bitch about me without me seeing it....
My first thought in most situations is automatically on the negative. I know Nora is to blame for that, and I want to learn constructive ways to shut her up and have positive thoughts automatically appear instead...
I do like that writing this helps make things clearer when life is murky, and that I can just purge all my thoughts out. I like that writing this just helped calm me down...
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Things I want to achieve
I would like to be an organised person. You know the type that cleans up after her all the time, and does not have a room full of mess and clutter (first on my list of concerns due to a flat inspection tomorrow...)
I would like to not thrive on sugar/sweeteners/caffeine, and instead find energy in natural ways and not rely on additives....
I would like to be able to get to sleep easily at night, and wake up semi-refreshed in the morning. Or at least be just more of a morning person, since I do actually like mornings, and feel better when Im up and showered and ready for the day without so much rush...
I would like to exercise more and be less lazy. I would like to find the motivation and drive to go out and exercise because I know I need it, and I enjoy it when I do get out there...
I would like to stop eating so much crap and start thriving on healthier foods...
I would like to be able to save money so that I can afford everything I need - such as dentists, and counselling...
I would like to be happy......
I would like to not thrive on sugar/sweeteners/caffeine, and instead find energy in natural ways and not rely on additives....
I would like to be able to get to sleep easily at night, and wake up semi-refreshed in the morning. Or at least be just more of a morning person, since I do actually like mornings, and feel better when Im up and showered and ready for the day without so much rush...
I would like to exercise more and be less lazy. I would like to find the motivation and drive to go out and exercise because I know I need it, and I enjoy it when I do get out there...
I would like to stop eating so much crap and start thriving on healthier foods...
I would like to be able to save money so that I can afford everything I need - such as dentists, and counselling...
I would like to be happy......
Monday, February 22, 2010
Getting back on track
Ok so despite the last few posts, this was not destined to be a blog about boys and relationships. It was meant to be a creative outlet, and a productive space....
At the moment I miss working with animals. But then I also feel like getting a nursing job would be like a "safe" option. I mean, its also scary because Im worried that even though Ive trained for it, that I might not be that good at it - but I just need more confidence in myself. And maybe that is also part of why it would be the "safe" option - I would get into a job and then feel secure and maybe not want to leave....
I am considering teaching over in Japan. I want to go back to Japan but I feel like a short holiday might not be enough to whet my appetite.... So I might do a TEFL/TESOL course and see how that goes - and then applications for the JET program open in September so it gives me a chance to think, and maybe also re-learn some japanese...
Theres just so much I want to do. I feel like time should stand still for a while so that I can do it all, and then come back and get on with life. I want to go to Japan, I want to go to Canada (and preferably for a year or so to work and stuff, rather than just a short trip - though Im not entirely sure......). I want to maybe go back to the UK and Europe, though that would be ok to just be a long holiday, rather than having to work and live there. Though Nursing in the UK could be fun.... I want to train to work in zoos, possibly with the Unitec course. Or possibly in Australia. I also want to meet someone amazing and get married and have kids before Im too old to do so. Which is where I start to feel like I dont have enough time.....
I also mostly want to be happy, and be confident in myself and my abilities, and be strong and fit and healthy... And these seem like the most difficult things...
In the meantime, I need to try to save money. All of those things up there ^^ require money. For now I have been offered another couple of months at work, so that is good. I do need to do the dentist thing soon, which will use up some money, but then hopefully I can focus more on saving....
I just have to stop thinking about other people so much, and what they would want me to do, or how what I do affects them, and instead just do what I want. If people are really my friends, they will still be my friends whether I live close by, or far away. I can't stay in Wellington just because I really like a guy, especially when said guy does not want anything more than sex and company. I can't stay in NZ or even just the North Island because friends can't cope with me living too far away. Yes I will miss friends and family, but I just have to stop putting everyone else first!!
At the moment I miss working with animals. But then I also feel like getting a nursing job would be like a "safe" option. I mean, its also scary because Im worried that even though Ive trained for it, that I might not be that good at it - but I just need more confidence in myself. And maybe that is also part of why it would be the "safe" option - I would get into a job and then feel secure and maybe not want to leave....
I am considering teaching over in Japan. I want to go back to Japan but I feel like a short holiday might not be enough to whet my appetite.... So I might do a TEFL/TESOL course and see how that goes - and then applications for the JET program open in September so it gives me a chance to think, and maybe also re-learn some japanese...
Theres just so much I want to do. I feel like time should stand still for a while so that I can do it all, and then come back and get on with life. I want to go to Japan, I want to go to Canada (and preferably for a year or so to work and stuff, rather than just a short trip - though Im not entirely sure......). I want to maybe go back to the UK and Europe, though that would be ok to just be a long holiday, rather than having to work and live there. Though Nursing in the UK could be fun.... I want to train to work in zoos, possibly with the Unitec course. Or possibly in Australia. I also want to meet someone amazing and get married and have kids before Im too old to do so. Which is where I start to feel like I dont have enough time.....
I also mostly want to be happy, and be confident in myself and my abilities, and be strong and fit and healthy... And these seem like the most difficult things...
In the meantime, I need to try to save money. All of those things up there ^^ require money. For now I have been offered another couple of months at work, so that is good. I do need to do the dentist thing soon, which will use up some money, but then hopefully I can focus more on saving....
I just have to stop thinking about other people so much, and what they would want me to do, or how what I do affects them, and instead just do what I want. If people are really my friends, they will still be my friends whether I live close by, or far away. I can't stay in Wellington just because I really like a guy, especially when said guy does not want anything more than sex and company. I can't stay in NZ or even just the North Island because friends can't cope with me living too far away. Yes I will miss friends and family, but I just have to stop putting everyone else first!!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Update to confusion
After that last post, I had to go into town. And on the drive I thought about things. And remembered that I have known all along that this is going nowhere. He TOLD me that. But because Im a stupid, stupid girl, lurking in the back of my mind has always been the 'he could change his mind' factor. Fed by other people also, saying that I should give him time and he could change his mind.
I guess the only problem is if he is sleeping with anyone else. Given that we met on a "dating" site, its pretty much a given that hes still on there and potentially still meeting other people. If he is sleeping with them, then Im out. So I will need to have that conversation with him, purely for my own peace of mind (and health).
I guess its been a while. I like him. It makes me scared. And I dont remember the last time I met a guys friends... But he hasnt changed his mind, and he is not likely to. So now I just need to make up my own.
I guess the only problem is if he is sleeping with anyone else. Given that we met on a "dating" site, its pretty much a given that hes still on there and potentially still meeting other people. If he is sleeping with them, then Im out. So I will need to have that conversation with him, purely for my own peace of mind (and health).
I guess its been a while. I like him. It makes me scared. And I dont remember the last time I met a guys friends... But he hasnt changed his mind, and he is not likely to. So now I just need to make up my own.
Guys = confusion
So last night, went round to the boys and had drinks with him and his mates. Stupidly, in my head, thought this was a good sign. So turns out that apart from his flatmates (who are a couple), none of his friends had any idea who I was, or that I even existed before last night. So thats cool
It was fun and then he said his female flatmate was coming home soon and wanted to suss me out. So that was cool until I said 'why does she care what im like seeing as this is just for fun after all' and he said that was why she wanted to check me out.... Presumably to make sure thats all I was after as well??
So yeah, but we left to come back to my place before she got home, and I was too chicken to bring up the subject again, plus we were drunk and then hungover this morning.....
Hes about to go for a holiday for a week so I might just leave it till he comes back. I have the feeling this is really not going anywhere and I dont know whether to ignore it because I do really like spending time with him. Or just to quit. Or maybe at least just mention that its not all just fun for me anymore and see what happens....
Also he got told that he is being laid off from work and he mentioned looking around for work while hes down south next week, so that also sucks...
It was fun and then he said his female flatmate was coming home soon and wanted to suss me out. So that was cool until I said 'why does she care what im like seeing as this is just for fun after all' and he said that was why she wanted to check me out.... Presumably to make sure thats all I was after as well??
So yeah, but we left to come back to my place before she got home, and I was too chicken to bring up the subject again, plus we were drunk and then hungover this morning.....
Hes about to go for a holiday for a week so I might just leave it till he comes back. I have the feeling this is really not going anywhere and I dont know whether to ignore it because I do really like spending time with him. Or just to quit. Or maybe at least just mention that its not all just fun for me anymore and see what happens....
Also he got told that he is being laid off from work and he mentioned looking around for work while hes down south next week, so that also sucks...
Friday, February 19, 2010
More on tattoos
I also want some kind of 'karma' tattoo. And I love Kurt Halsey art. He has pretty birds, and also this pretty cat:
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Money and tattoos
Ok so new tattoos will have to be put on hold now that I have to spend uber money on teeth - damn you dentists!!! You'd think dental care would be more subsidised.....
I must admit, seeing and helping perform dentals on animals puts me off going to the dentist even more. Once youve helped do a dental procedure on a horse, with the huge instruments they use, it makes you teeth hurt just thinking about it. Especially when theyre doing the filing....... *shudder*
So I want my spider tattoo. I kinda have the spider style sorted, and I want a web included, and stars spun into the web just cos I love stars :)
Im also remembering that I want a pretty angel/faerie tattoo - but I want her to have pretty feathered wings, rather than the gossamer-looking typical faerie wings.... There is a girl who does amazing anime/digital/not sure what to call it style art in Palmy - I own a couple of her prints (and you can view some of her work at Lockerby Design (Sophie Blokker is her name - I love the wings on Milo - so pretty). I think i want it on my back.
I also want a sleeve/leg type tattoo with an animal theme - but that needs more planning cos the animals I want all live on different continents and in completely different environments/habitats so I need to work out a way to link them all together.... (any ideas are greatly appreciated :) - the animals I have in mind are polar bear (of course), red panda, tiger, cheetah, wolf....)
I must admit, seeing and helping perform dentals on animals puts me off going to the dentist even more. Once youve helped do a dental procedure on a horse, with the huge instruments they use, it makes you teeth hurt just thinking about it. Especially when theyre doing the filing....... *shudder*
So I want my spider tattoo. I kinda have the spider style sorted, and I want a web included, and stars spun into the web just cos I love stars :)
Im also remembering that I want a pretty angel/faerie tattoo - but I want her to have pretty feathered wings, rather than the gossamer-looking typical faerie wings.... There is a girl who does amazing anime/digital/not sure what to call it style art in Palmy - I own a couple of her prints (and you can view some of her work at Lockerby Design (Sophie Blokker is her name - I love the wings on Milo - so pretty). I think i want it on my back.
I also want a sleeve/leg type tattoo with an animal theme - but that needs more planning cos the animals I want all live on different continents and in completely different environments/habitats so I need to work out a way to link them all together.... (any ideas are greatly appreciated :) - the animals I have in mind are polar bear (of course), red panda, tiger, cheetah, wolf....)
I just want lots. I wish I could be covered in them. I look at pictures (like the one below of Kat Von D) and just wish I was going to work in an industry where I could do that.....
Ok thats enough for now. Should probably do some work
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Pain
Havent written/posted anything for a few days. To be honest, its hard to do much past the crazy pain in my mouth - wisdom teeth are the bain of my existence right now. Dentist this afternoon. Fingers crossed for a not-too-expensive outcome.....
All else going ok. Still seeing the guy. Still enjoying it and having much fun. Still totally falling for him but ignoring it due to the circumstances and not wanting to have my heart broken.
I want a new tattoo. I have it semi-planned. Now I just need money really....
More spider experiences - this time I had one on my arm while I was in the shower. One moment it wasnt there, and the next moment it was. So yeah. Mild panic. Looking down and seeing a giant spider on your arm = shaking said arm and spider falling into bottom of shower. Think it dried out and made it away though cos it wasnt there later on.....
Went home on the weekend to spend time with friends and family. It was weird. I couldnt wait to get back to Wellington..... And as much as I had loads of fun, I kind of felt like I didnt really belong or something. I dunno.
Thats all I have for now
All else going ok. Still seeing the guy. Still enjoying it and having much fun. Still totally falling for him but ignoring it due to the circumstances and not wanting to have my heart broken.
I want a new tattoo. I have it semi-planned. Now I just need money really....
More spider experiences - this time I had one on my arm while I was in the shower. One moment it wasnt there, and the next moment it was. So yeah. Mild panic. Looking down and seeing a giant spider on your arm = shaking said arm and spider falling into bottom of shower. Think it dried out and made it away though cos it wasnt there later on.....
Went home on the weekend to spend time with friends and family. It was weird. I couldnt wait to get back to Wellington..... And as much as I had loads of fun, I kind of felt like I didnt really belong or something. I dunno.
Thats all I have for now
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I care too much.....
I feel like I am destined to always care about people more than they care about me.
And Im not talking about guys. Well, them too, but thats not my point..... (And Mike was an example of when that wasnt true)
But with my friends as well. There are friends that I would drop everything for and be there with them in a heartbeat if they needed me. And yet I dont get that back in return.
I remember when we're little, or at least when I was little, getting told over and over again to 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. And I like to think that generally I have lived by that. I think the reason I expect people to judge me on the way I look, at least at first, is because I do the same. And on the flip side, those that I genuinely care about, I would do anything for if they needed me.
And thats not all friends. Im sure at least one person reading this will worry that it is them I am talking about, and Miss Lives-in-Auckland, it is not you. I feel our friendship is quite reciprocal (even if I cant spell the word....)
I dont know if its just because I am single and dont have a lot of other things going on, that I feel I could drop everything for someone if need be, and these other people have partners, and lives, that restrict them from just doing something at the drop of a hat.
To the point that when I went to Ireland, one of my friends got pregnant. Now, she ended up having an abortion, but I told her that if she was going to have the baby, I would come back home and help her, no questions asked. Would she do the same for me? Not a chance in hell.
Im just having a downer day, where I feel like I have all these people who are so crucuial and important in my life, and yet I dont have the same impact in theirs.
Maybe I just expect too much from other people. You'd think that by now, with the things that have happened in my life, that I would just realise that people are unreliable, and not trust anyone. But I dont want to be like that. And Im sure I probably do expect people not to care some of the time, which is why I have trouble asking for help in the first place. It would just be nice to know that when the cry for help is eventually sent out, that there would be someone on the other side willing to answer it...
And Im not talking about guys. Well, them too, but thats not my point..... (And Mike was an example of when that wasnt true)
But with my friends as well. There are friends that I would drop everything for and be there with them in a heartbeat if they needed me. And yet I dont get that back in return.
I remember when we're little, or at least when I was little, getting told over and over again to 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. And I like to think that generally I have lived by that. I think the reason I expect people to judge me on the way I look, at least at first, is because I do the same. And on the flip side, those that I genuinely care about, I would do anything for if they needed me.
And thats not all friends. Im sure at least one person reading this will worry that it is them I am talking about, and Miss Lives-in-Auckland, it is not you. I feel our friendship is quite reciprocal (even if I cant spell the word....)
I dont know if its just because I am single and dont have a lot of other things going on, that I feel I could drop everything for someone if need be, and these other people have partners, and lives, that restrict them from just doing something at the drop of a hat.
To the point that when I went to Ireland, one of my friends got pregnant. Now, she ended up having an abortion, but I told her that if she was going to have the baby, I would come back home and help her, no questions asked. Would she do the same for me? Not a chance in hell.
Im just having a downer day, where I feel like I have all these people who are so crucuial and important in my life, and yet I dont have the same impact in theirs.
Maybe I just expect too much from other people. You'd think that by now, with the things that have happened in my life, that I would just realise that people are unreliable, and not trust anyone. But I dont want to be like that. And Im sure I probably do expect people not to care some of the time, which is why I have trouble asking for help in the first place. It would just be nice to know that when the cry for help is eventually sent out, that there would be someone on the other side willing to answer it...
Monday, February 8, 2010
Which is it?
How do you tell the difference between falling for someone and just being in lust with them?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Love
So in my darkest periods of depression, I care so little about myself that I am convinced that noone else cares either. And while I dont have suicidal thoughts, I do have moments where I consider driving headfirst into oncoming traffic just to see what would happen, and to see who would care that I was physicall hurt, rather than just emotionally.....
When I was last back in Palmy I had lunch with my second mum (Jo), who incidentally, is more of a mother to me than my natural mum. And she called me up on this point with a scenario. Imagining my own funeral - who would be there, why they would be there, and how upset they would be. Sounds very morbid but it did the trick. So its things like, well my Dad would be there, because he loves me and would be really sad. Jo would be there, again cos she loves me, and would be really upset. Amy and Emma would be there, because they both love me, and would both be really upset. And their partners would be there, cos they also like me somewhat, and would be there to support Amy and Emma because they would need it. That sort of thing.
So as sad and morbid as it may sound - it did have an effect. Just to remind me how lucky I am to have these amazing people in my life who genuinely care about me. Not because of what I do or anything like that, but just because Im me. I am a very lucky girl.
And these people inspire me too. For example, one friend in particular posted a blog today about her family and issues she is having. And she is so strong and amazing and I just feel so lucky to have her in my life. And all these people who love me, are amazing and inspiring me and I am lucky to know them and be part of their lives, let alone have them love me. It puts things into perspective and helps drag me away from the dragons...
When I was last back in Palmy I had lunch with my second mum (Jo), who incidentally, is more of a mother to me than my natural mum. And she called me up on this point with a scenario. Imagining my own funeral - who would be there, why they would be there, and how upset they would be. Sounds very morbid but it did the trick. So its things like, well my Dad would be there, because he loves me and would be really sad. Jo would be there, again cos she loves me, and would be really upset. Amy and Emma would be there, because they both love me, and would both be really upset. And their partners would be there, cos they also like me somewhat, and would be there to support Amy and Emma because they would need it. That sort of thing.
So as sad and morbid as it may sound - it did have an effect. Just to remind me how lucky I am to have these amazing people in my life who genuinely care about me. Not because of what I do or anything like that, but just because Im me. I am a very lucky girl.
And these people inspire me too. For example, one friend in particular posted a blog today about her family and issues she is having. And she is so strong and amazing and I just feel so lucky to have her in my life. And all these people who love me, are amazing and inspiring me and I am lucky to know them and be part of their lives, let alone have them love me. It puts things into perspective and helps drag me away from the dragons...
Friday, February 5, 2010
Advice needed
So.... the boy.
Been hanging out for 2 weeks. Things "moved on" the other night. And then last night he says "I really enjoy your company, and i dont want to muck you round. I am looking for some fun, but not a relationship."
Cue some sadness and a few tears.
The problem is, when Im spending time with him, I am actually genuinely happy. For anyone that knows me, especially lately, that feeling in itself is quite a miracle. Everything is great and amazing and I dont remember the last time I felt like that with anyone.
And now, thinking about it and the fact that he doesnt intend it to go anywhere, makes me sad and a little angry, cos I know I deserve more than that.....
But I dont want to give it up cos he is amazing and we get on so well and 'everything' is actually amazing. So now I dont know what to do.
And for the record, when i asked if he was 'having fun' with anyone else, he told me that he wasnt and he wouldnt be that cruel.
I know that staying 'hanging out' with him could be painful in the long run if I get my hopes up and wish for it to become more than it is. But then I think if I just remember that its not going to be anything long-term then maybe it will be ok.
I dont know. Im sure I just want people to say that Im young and Im allowed fun and happiness without having to expect anything further down the track. But what do you honestly think?
Been hanging out for 2 weeks. Things "moved on" the other night. And then last night he says "I really enjoy your company, and i dont want to muck you round. I am looking for some fun, but not a relationship."
Cue some sadness and a few tears.
The problem is, when Im spending time with him, I am actually genuinely happy. For anyone that knows me, especially lately, that feeling in itself is quite a miracle. Everything is great and amazing and I dont remember the last time I felt like that with anyone.
And now, thinking about it and the fact that he doesnt intend it to go anywhere, makes me sad and a little angry, cos I know I deserve more than that.....
But I dont want to give it up cos he is amazing and we get on so well and 'everything' is actually amazing. So now I dont know what to do.
And for the record, when i asked if he was 'having fun' with anyone else, he told me that he wasnt and he wouldnt be that cruel.
I know that staying 'hanging out' with him could be painful in the long run if I get my hopes up and wish for it to become more than it is. But then I think if I just remember that its not going to be anything long-term then maybe it will be ok.
I dont know. Im sure I just want people to say that Im young and Im allowed fun and happiness without having to expect anything further down the track. But what do you honestly think?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Bodypump rules
So I went along to a bodypump class yesterday afternoon. It has been ages since I have been to one - like not since the beginning of last year. Thankfully today I am less sore than the first ever time I did the class, and I can even walk!!
But I just forgot how much I enjoyed it. Not because I feel like I have to do exercise to lose weight (although that is always in the back of my mind), but because I like knowing I am doing something good for myself. I remember going regularly and enjoying it whenever I got to a point where I could add more weight to my bar, and knowing I was getting stronger. Its quite an empowering feeling to some point.
My next aim is bodycombat cos I also loved that class. I know that might hurt more, and involves a lot more cardio so will be more challenging. But punching and kicking imaginary things/objects/people is such good stress relief. That and then some yoga mixed in should do me for a while. The guy at the gym told me I could also do bodystep and bodyattack for variety. Attack I like. Step i do like sometimes. So for now rather than doing it because I have to, i might do the stuff I enjoy doing until going becomes some form of a habit.
Enjoying exercise is quite a revelation to me. I always knew I liked classes but focusing in on the other good points is helping too :)
Of course, this could all change tomorrow when the real aftereffects of bodypump kick in - the second day afterwards is usually the killer
But I just forgot how much I enjoyed it. Not because I feel like I have to do exercise to lose weight (although that is always in the back of my mind), but because I like knowing I am doing something good for myself. I remember going regularly and enjoying it whenever I got to a point where I could add more weight to my bar, and knowing I was getting stronger. Its quite an empowering feeling to some point.
My next aim is bodycombat cos I also loved that class. I know that might hurt more, and involves a lot more cardio so will be more challenging. But punching and kicking imaginary things/objects/people is such good stress relief. That and then some yoga mixed in should do me for a while. The guy at the gym told me I could also do bodystep and bodyattack for variety. Attack I like. Step i do like sometimes. So for now rather than doing it because I have to, i might do the stuff I enjoy doing until going becomes some form of a habit.
Enjoying exercise is quite a revelation to me. I always knew I liked classes but focusing in on the other good points is helping too :)
Of course, this could all change tomorrow when the real aftereffects of bodypump kick in - the second day afterwards is usually the killer
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Screw inner beauty
Yeah, you heard me!!
Ok so I randomly heard about this book and promptly bought myself a copy ($5 off Trademe - thank you very much!!). Its written by two short, and self-confessed fatties who have lost weight countless times, only to gain it back, plus some. The idea of this book is to ditch the diets and self-loathing and learning to like yourself as you are. Excuse me?? People are allowed to like themselves if they are fat? I thought that was against the point? I thought that was the whole reason that the diet industry - with their programmes and books and 'help' - make millions of dollars. Cos fat = unhappy.
Now I will admit that I am only one chapter into the book, as I only started it today. But already I love it. Well, I love their style of writing. They swear, they tell things how it is, they criticise the media in the best ways. Its awesome.
I dont know the ladies who wrote it. I am not getting paid to promote them or anything like that. It just so far, within like 20 pages, has made me cracking up laughing. A self-help style book. Bizarre but true.
For more info on it: http://www.allenandunwin.com/default.aspx?page=94&book=9781741758498
The writers themselves have blogs and recommend blogs of others, so you will be able to find them in my 'links' as I get further into the book :)
Ok so I randomly heard about this book and promptly bought myself a copy ($5 off Trademe - thank you very much!!). Its written by two short, and self-confessed fatties who have lost weight countless times, only to gain it back, plus some. The idea of this book is to ditch the diets and self-loathing and learning to like yourself as you are. Excuse me?? People are allowed to like themselves if they are fat? I thought that was against the point? I thought that was the whole reason that the diet industry - with their programmes and books and 'help' - make millions of dollars. Cos fat = unhappy.
Now I will admit that I am only one chapter into the book, as I only started it today. But already I love it. Well, I love their style of writing. They swear, they tell things how it is, they criticise the media in the best ways. Its awesome.
I dont know the ladies who wrote it. I am not getting paid to promote them or anything like that. It just so far, within like 20 pages, has made me cracking up laughing. A self-help style book. Bizarre but true.
For more info on it: http://www.allenandunwin.com/default.aspx?page=94&book=9781741758498
The writers themselves have blogs and recommend blogs of others, so you will be able to find them in my 'links' as I get further into the book :)
Monday, February 1, 2010
1st of the month
How crazy is it that it is February already??!!!!! Madness I tell you.
So this month I have a few goals. At the end of the month a friend of mine from high school is coming over from Sydney and we have not caught up in donkeys years (ages!!) so that will be nice. And all going well, my brother and his family are also up at the end of the month for a wedding. I will see Sarah and the kids, but hopefully Josh also comes up cos I havent seen him since 2005!! Crazy. Oh and also, booked in for the Wellington Round the Bays 7km walk on the 21st Feb.
So - time to stick to Jenny and get on track of eating. I have a free 3 week trial at Les Mills gym so I need to use that and start working on getting fit. And just be in a better general space for catching up and being happy.
Also having another friend get married at the beginning of March so would like to be able to wear a pretty dress :) Typical girly thing but I want it!!!
Also hung out with Jeremy last night. Watched anime and just talked - and another hug. Man I do love hugs. So good.
So this month I have a few goals. At the end of the month a friend of mine from high school is coming over from Sydney and we have not caught up in donkeys years (ages!!) so that will be nice. And all going well, my brother and his family are also up at the end of the month for a wedding. I will see Sarah and the kids, but hopefully Josh also comes up cos I havent seen him since 2005!! Crazy. Oh and also, booked in for the Wellington Round the Bays 7km walk on the 21st Feb.
So - time to stick to Jenny and get on track of eating. I have a free 3 week trial at Les Mills gym so I need to use that and start working on getting fit. And just be in a better general space for catching up and being happy.
Also having another friend get married at the beginning of March so would like to be able to wear a pretty dress :) Typical girly thing but I want it!!!
Also hung out with Jeremy last night. Watched anime and just talked - and another hug. Man I do love hugs. So good.
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