L is for the way you look at me

Candi is officially in love, and loved back.

So the L word was said last night. First time Ive had it said to me, and returned it back (other than the obvious friends and family). Its a bit exciting. A bit scary, but mostly just causing this giant smile on my face :)

We had a weekend away up in Palmy, and despite tiredness and a few down moments, it went really well. We are able to deal with each other quite well when the other is tired and quiet, and communicate really well too - which has always been a difficult one for me. Its just so much easier now.

And he has told his mum about the Nora stuff. He told me this morning, and it made me slightly uncomfortable. He has told her because she is a life coach, and deals with that sort of thing, and can actually help when Im ready to sit down and talk to her about it. Which is nice. And I realise the reason he did it is because he does want to help me. And because its no longer just my problem, its his too. The fact that it affects me, in turn ends up affecting him, especially when Im in a period where she is talking to me, and I am listening (which thankfully is less often than it used to be). His mum is lovely too, so that helps. It just might take me a wee while before I go to her for it, and he has specified that she said she would love to help, and that she will wait for me to bring it up, rather than making me feel like i have to talk about it whenever im round there.

Understanding boyfriend who loves me?? Yeah lifes pretty sweet right now :)

So I said heyyyyy whats going on?

So as a follow up to last post, glad that Jeremy has not officially moved in. Had a few more down days between then and now, but mostly good. And I have to say (without gushing) that he really is amazingly supportive, and just amazing in general. Im getting so much better at opening up to him (anyone who knows me, knows this can often be a struggle - like getting blood from a stone...). He lets me know that he thinks Im gorgeous, he lets me cry when need be, without getting freaked out about it - just gives me hugs and lets it pass.... Special :)

The L word still has not been spoken yet... I dont want to do it first, just on principle haha.
And enjoying when we have time apart too. Even enjoying nights on my own without him - I get the whole bed to myself!! Haha. And whats great about boys - is they are like a cuddly electric blanket - without the power costs haha.

Ok I dont know what Im writing now. Getting frustrated and a bit disheartened with the whole job thing. I want a real one. I want to be working with animals.... Argh.

Apart from that, not a lot going on. Loving Wellington, loving my flat, and enjoying life at the moment (other than work...)

Depression

I have to remember that for every good day I have, there will still be bad days as well. Depression does not magically fix itself and go away. And I need to stop beating myself up when I do have a bad day, and accept it. Cos at least I am having many more good days than bad, and believe in a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel.

Part of what has prompted this down bit is that I asked J to move in with me yesterday. It is convenient, but also, I actually want to spend that much time with him. For someone who used to be very fiercely independent, it is difficult to adjust to. And at times when I have too much time on my hands, I think about it, and freak myself out. I dont even think we are going too fast or whatever. It just seems right, and I think that is what freaks me out...

So J's flatmates have asked him to move out, due to it being their first home together and wanting their own space. Makes sense. And he has a backup, such as his mums place. But I talked to my wonderful flatmate about it yesterday and she agreed that it would be ok for him to move in. And I stupidly brought it up and he politely declined, and then now I feel shit. It makes sense for him to say no. I told myself I wouldnt be offended if it happened, seeing as we have only known each other a couple of months, and been officially in a relationship for one month now. But I still feel a bit sad that he doesnt want to. And instead of telling myself to snap out of it, Im trying to allow myself to be sad for a little bit. I had a little cry last night, and we talked about it. And it does make sense, and it doesnt seem like something I should take personally. But Im still sad, and thats ok, as long as I dont sulk about it for too long. And he doesnt want to spend tonight together, which is fine cos we dont need to spend every night with each other, but the sad side of me is thinking that I have freaked him out and he wants some time away from me. And even if that is silly, Im just going to allow it for now...