Love

So in my darkest periods of depression, I care so little about myself that I am convinced that noone else cares either. And while I dont have suicidal thoughts, I do have moments where I consider driving headfirst into oncoming traffic just to see what would happen, and to see who would care that I was physicall hurt, rather than just emotionally.....

When I was last back in Palmy I had lunch with my second mum (Jo), who incidentally, is more of a mother to me than my natural mum. And she called me up on this point with a scenario. Imagining my own funeral - who would be there, why they would be there, and how upset they would be. Sounds very morbid but it did the trick. So its things like, well my Dad would be there, because he loves me and would be really sad. Jo would be there, again cos she loves me, and would be really upset. Amy and Emma would be there, because they both love me, and would both be really upset. And their partners would be there, cos they also like me somewhat, and would be there to support Amy and Emma because they would need it. That sort of thing.

So as sad and morbid as it may sound - it did have an effect. Just to remind me how lucky I am to have these amazing people in my life who genuinely care about me. Not because of what I do or anything like that, but just because Im me. I am a very lucky girl.

And these people inspire me too. For example, one friend in particular posted a blog today about her family and issues she is having. And she is so strong and amazing and I just feel so lucky to have her in my life. And all these people who love me, are amazing and inspiring me and I am lucky to know them and be part of their lives, let alone have them love me. It puts things into perspective and helps drag me away from the dragons...