So work is boring and somewhat unfulfilling. Im good at what I do, but then its typing and data entry, so it really isn't difficult. Im super fast and efficient, but its easy, so that doesnt feel like much of an accomplishment...
I think my desire to run off and travel and do a hundred things at once gets stronger at times like this - when I am bored and unsatisfied (dissatisfied?) with life in general. And aside from that, I am pretty happy, but just bored.
I have come to accept and appreciate the Fluox. After fighting it for so long and wanting to have it over and done with, I accept that those pretty little pills actually do help. And it isnt shameful to need help, or to accept it, even in little pretty pill form. They help me get out of bed, and stop me from wanting to do stupid things like driving into head-on traffic, or throwing up as a means of losing weight, or having panic attacks and not being able to calm myself down to the point of almost passing out. I mean, as fun as all those things are, they just dont really help with the day-to-day living of life. Pills that make living life easier = good. I can deal with that now and Im not fighting it - which I think is probably a good step on the path to getting mentally well, or mentally better at least right?
I do need therapy. I do want to get it so that I can function without said pills eventually. It just costs money and whatnot. But I will do it. I would like to like myself and be comfortable with myself. I would like to not be so paranoid that everyone hates me or dislikes me. I would like to like myself enough not to give a shit if people dont like me. I would like to be able to enjoy a casual consensual sex friendship thing, without thinking that its because I am not good enough for a relationship. I would like not to doubt myself at every step and every opportunity. I would like for my first thought when I cant see a friends posts on a journal, to not be that this has been done because they no longer like me, or want to be able to bitch about me without me seeing it....
My first thought in most situations is automatically on the negative. I know Nora is to blame for that, and I want to learn constructive ways to shut her up and have positive thoughts automatically appear instead...
I do like that writing this helps make things clearer when life is murky, and that I can just purge all my thoughts out. I like that writing this just helped calm me down...
2 comments:
I used to go to counseling, it was only $10 a session and it was great. Now that I think about it I don't remember the lady ever saying much to me, but I didn't have many people around to talk to and it felt good to unload on somebody. She must have said some helpful things because it helped me a lot.
Ask your doctor about cheaper options for you :) I used to take fluoxetine but it made me hate everyone, it was weird.
BTW where do you work? are you doing vet clinic work?
Yeah I might talk to her about it when I go back next week.
Fluox works ok for me, so long as I dont take too much. Works much better now Im on a lower dose
No Im working in an office at the mo - cos it was the first job that came up and I needed money. I might end up moving to aussie or something, dunno. Just looking :)
Post a Comment