I have to remember that for every good day I have, there will still be bad days as well. Depression does not magically fix itself and go away. And I need to stop beating myself up when I do have a bad day, and accept it. Cos at least I am having many more good days than bad, and believe in a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel.
Part of what has prompted this down bit is that I asked J to move in with me yesterday. It is convenient, but also, I actually want to spend that much time with him. For someone who used to be very fiercely independent, it is difficult to adjust to. And at times when I have too much time on my hands, I think about it, and freak myself out. I dont even think we are going too fast or whatever. It just seems right, and I think that is what freaks me out...
So J's flatmates have asked him to move out, due to it being their first home together and wanting their own space. Makes sense. And he has a backup, such as his mums place. But I talked to my wonderful flatmate about it yesterday and she agreed that it would be ok for him to move in. And I stupidly brought it up and he politely declined, and then now I feel shit. It makes sense for him to say no. I told myself I wouldnt be offended if it happened, seeing as we have only known each other a couple of months, and been officially in a relationship for one month now. But I still feel a bit sad that he doesnt want to. And instead of telling myself to snap out of it, Im trying to allow myself to be sad for a little bit. I had a little cry last night, and we talked about it. And it does make sense, and it doesnt seem like something I should take personally. But Im still sad, and thats ok, as long as I dont sulk about it for too long. And he doesnt want to spend tonight together, which is fine cos we dont need to spend every night with each other, but the sad side of me is thinking that I have freaked him out and he wants some time away from me. And even if that is silly, Im just going to allow it for now...
7 comments:
I know you've probably heard it a million times, but it's early days yet. YOu too haven't been going out very long and moving in so early might not be such a good move. On the other hand asking him shows how seriously you take the relationship and he must feel good about someone feeling that strongly about him.
Yeah I know youre right.
Also him saying no instead of moving in anyway and putting the relationship at risk shows he is both smart, and cares about you enough to make the right (and harder) call.
My head agrees with you both
Your abandonment/fear of rejection issues are showing again love. :)
It is lovely and amazing of you to invite him to live with you this early on, in his time of need, and he knows it. He made the right call too, and you know it.
And it isn't that decision that is cutting you up really, it isn't actually anything to do with him... it is all you.
I understand the appeal of high levels of accessability when you are heavily into someone. But he likes your independant spirit, and you are kind of careening toward dependancy.
You need to tell Nora to F off again. Don't turn into someone you don't want to be just because she is splashing around in your pool of insecurities.
I love how we are on the same page. It took me until about an hour ago to realise that Nora was back whispering in my ear and I need to tell her to piss off.
This fear of rejection thing is pissing me off. Stupid bitch Nora. If she would just stop telling me that I am unlovable, this would be so much easier...
Totally, cause all the evidense points strongly to the contrary too. I find you loveable, as do all your friends, and many people who would like to be more than that (ie. mr broken heart).
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