One small step for man, one giant leap for Candi....

So J has moved in. I mean, he was there over half the time anyway - but yesterday we were thinking he should just start living there full time. Scary shit. First time either of us have lived with a partner. And we've only been together for 4 months. We're both a little nervous and apprehensive at sharing a space all the time - mostly cos its new and that makes it scary. And a bit exciting. He also mentioned feeling slightly weird over the fact that he has come into my space - but then its just for a few months (well, till near the end of the year - when we will find a flat that is also dog-appropriate).

Ive never had to share a room before. Im not an only child, and Ive been flatting for a while, so Im used to sharing in general - but not my own personal space. But fingers crossed that we can do this. And as long as we keep our communication open and honest - we should be ok. His mum and stepdad are super supportive too so thats nice.

And hopefully we dont drive Hayley nuts. We were acting like children yesterday having silly arguments in the kitchen (the "theres another loaf of bread", "well youre a loaf of bread" type of arguments lol) - to which she said "and my mother wonders why I dont want kids..." lol. Luckily she is awesome and easygoing so hopefully it all works out nicely :)

L is for the way you look at me

Candi is officially in love, and loved back.

So the L word was said last night. First time Ive had it said to me, and returned it back (other than the obvious friends and family). Its a bit exciting. A bit scary, but mostly just causing this giant smile on my face :)

We had a weekend away up in Palmy, and despite tiredness and a few down moments, it went really well. We are able to deal with each other quite well when the other is tired and quiet, and communicate really well too - which has always been a difficult one for me. Its just so much easier now.

And he has told his mum about the Nora stuff. He told me this morning, and it made me slightly uncomfortable. He has told her because she is a life coach, and deals with that sort of thing, and can actually help when Im ready to sit down and talk to her about it. Which is nice. And I realise the reason he did it is because he does want to help me. And because its no longer just my problem, its his too. The fact that it affects me, in turn ends up affecting him, especially when Im in a period where she is talking to me, and I am listening (which thankfully is less often than it used to be). His mum is lovely too, so that helps. It just might take me a wee while before I go to her for it, and he has specified that she said she would love to help, and that she will wait for me to bring it up, rather than making me feel like i have to talk about it whenever im round there.

Understanding boyfriend who loves me?? Yeah lifes pretty sweet right now :)

So I said heyyyyy whats going on?

So as a follow up to last post, glad that Jeremy has not officially moved in. Had a few more down days between then and now, but mostly good. And I have to say (without gushing) that he really is amazingly supportive, and just amazing in general. Im getting so much better at opening up to him (anyone who knows me, knows this can often be a struggle - like getting blood from a stone...). He lets me know that he thinks Im gorgeous, he lets me cry when need be, without getting freaked out about it - just gives me hugs and lets it pass.... Special :)

The L word still has not been spoken yet... I dont want to do it first, just on principle haha.
And enjoying when we have time apart too. Even enjoying nights on my own without him - I get the whole bed to myself!! Haha. And whats great about boys - is they are like a cuddly electric blanket - without the power costs haha.

Ok I dont know what Im writing now. Getting frustrated and a bit disheartened with the whole job thing. I want a real one. I want to be working with animals.... Argh.

Apart from that, not a lot going on. Loving Wellington, loving my flat, and enjoying life at the moment (other than work...)

Depression

I have to remember that for every good day I have, there will still be bad days as well. Depression does not magically fix itself and go away. And I need to stop beating myself up when I do have a bad day, and accept it. Cos at least I am having many more good days than bad, and believe in a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel.

Part of what has prompted this down bit is that I asked J to move in with me yesterday. It is convenient, but also, I actually want to spend that much time with him. For someone who used to be very fiercely independent, it is difficult to adjust to. And at times when I have too much time on my hands, I think about it, and freak myself out. I dont even think we are going too fast or whatever. It just seems right, and I think that is what freaks me out...

So J's flatmates have asked him to move out, due to it being their first home together and wanting their own space. Makes sense. And he has a backup, such as his mums place. But I talked to my wonderful flatmate about it yesterday and she agreed that it would be ok for him to move in. And I stupidly brought it up and he politely declined, and then now I feel shit. It makes sense for him to say no. I told myself I wouldnt be offended if it happened, seeing as we have only known each other a couple of months, and been officially in a relationship for one month now. But I still feel a bit sad that he doesnt want to. And instead of telling myself to snap out of it, Im trying to allow myself to be sad for a little bit. I had a little cry last night, and we talked about it. And it does make sense, and it doesnt seem like something I should take personally. But Im still sad, and thats ok, as long as I dont sulk about it for too long. And he doesnt want to spend tonight together, which is fine cos we dont need to spend every night with each other, but the sad side of me is thinking that I have freaked him out and he wants some time away from me. And even if that is silly, Im just going to allow it for now...

This Way of Life

I went and saw this movie/documentary last night. And havent stopped thinking about it since.
The tag line is Peter's quote "What do I do for a living? I live for a living", and it sums everything up nicely.

Here is a family, who don't have a lot, and then go on to lose a whole lot more. And yet they are some of the happiest people I've seen. The kids (there are 6 of them) are just always smiling and all get along so well, and all without television or much in the way of material posessions.

They have each other, their horses, and thats about it. Its just made me appreciate that family and friends are what its all about, and 'stuff' is really just that - its just STUFF. Who cares if you dont have a fancy tv or a nice car? Who cares if you have fuck all money?

Just so inspiring and thought provoking, and makes you appreciate what youve got. So many people have so much, and yet are miserable. And these guys have nothing, and are so happy and grateful with what they have, and feel blessed just to have each other.

Hypocrite much?

So I take it back. All the times I have been a bitter old hag to those around me in new relationships, I apologise. I used to get so frustrated with friends who spent ALL their time with new partners and hardly ever made time for their friends. And while I still think it is dumb to do that, I now see exactly how it happens as I have become guilty of the same thing.

I just love spending my time with him. And when Im not spending time with him, Im somewhat bored and wishing he was around. Do I just enjoy this while it lasts? Its got to wear off eventually right??

I just have never felt this way before, where I have actually wanted to spend so much time with someone. I always think of myself as a pretty independent person. And even when there have been guys involved previously, Ive been more than happy to retain my independence and spend only a small amount of time with said guy. And now - Ive seen him everyday for the last week and I couldnt be happier about it.

Part of me wonders if it is partly cos I dont have that many friends down here, so its not as if I have other options or whatever.... But even when I went home last weekend and hung with Amy and went to a friends wedding, I couldnt wait to come back and see him, even though I spend Saturday morning with him anyway and it was only about 36 hours apart....

Crazy. Who am I?

Happy? Or should that be... Happy!!!

Its such a weird feeling... Not really used to it, but man is it awesome :)

So I have this wonderful boyfriend. Hes actually just amazing. Makes me laugh and smile just thinking about him, plus I can have serious conversations with him about all sorts. I opened up to him last night about all my family drama, more specifically all the shit with mum, and it was actually pretty easy, which was nice. And he opens up and talks to me so easily about all sorts - its just awesome.

Bascially I could gush on for ages about how amazing he is, and how Im actually happy, but I think this short little story does more than enough :)