Discoveries

I am at a period in my life where I am discovering emotion. 26 years old might seem a little late for finding such a path, but better late than never.

And feelings and emotions really do occur when you least expect them. Like feeling like you might never genuinely be happy, and then being utterly comfortable and joyous when hanging out with a guy and discussing fictional unicorns in your backyard, that live off bananas. And for once, I dont want this to work out with him because I want marriage and kids and all that kind of stuff, I want it to work out because I like being around him, and having him around, and I like myself when Im around him because I actually am being myself, and not some bizarre version of myself that I think he would appreciate. Hanging out with him makes me feel HAPPY.

And while I want something to happen, Im very excited with a stray hand touching my arm, or a hug at the end of the night, and look forward to seeing him next, rather than disappointed that we havent kissed or whatever. Its anticipation and excitement and its something that I havent experienced in a long time, if ever.

And the fact that his name is the same as that of the first guy I ever cared about (who passed away just over 6 years ago now), doesnt even bother me, or occur to me now that I am getting to know him. Its just his name. And that in itself is quite a relief. And the 'old' Jeremy - yes he made me happy, and yes I got to be myself around him (and he was the last guy that I was like that with I think....), but it wasnt as relaxing or comfortable as it is now. And maybe thats just because Ive grown up since 'our' time together, and despite the dragons and my overwhelming disharmony with myself, perhaps I am getting to know and like myself more after all....