Selfish much

I would like some (unbiased if you can) feedback

So last month was Mothers Day. And I didnt actually think to text my mum because, well, its the way it is. That said though, I didnt even text Jo. I have become a slack texter. And at the end of the day I get a text from her saying "did you forget that its mothers day. i love you even if you dont" blah blah blah and what a crap day she'd had. And i just said "yeah i was busy and i forgot". In truth, I was busy cuddling cheetahs.... And dad obviously got shit about it too and i blew it off

Yesterday was my birthday. At the beginning of the day I got a few texts, one was from my mum. It took me a while before I even got around to replying to most of them, and didnt reply to hers cos i didnt think it warranted it. At the end of the day, I got a "did you get my text?" text, so i said yes and thanked her. And then i got a text from dad, asking if mum had text and did i reply?

Now. When i was 14, mum tried to kill herself. Not even really to die. But to manipulate and get attention. She said as much to dad one day. She had talked to him on the phone before he did it. And after she said something like "well i wouldnt be in hospital if you hadnt been running late". All a control/power/manipulation fucked up thing to do. Dad then stayed with her until I left home 3 years later, cos he was scared she'd do it again. And now, he still tiptoes around her. She still calls on him if she needs help. And obviously to complain about her ungrateful children, because she knows that what dad says will have more impact...

And it fucks me off so bad. Why is he still pandering to her? I had a minor hissy fit at him after his text last night, which then ended up with me feeling like an ungrateful shit. I was raised in a "if you cant say anything nice, dont say anything at all" kind of way. Nice and passive aggressive... And so i dont talk to her. I dont say anything because what is the point? And then i get shit about not talking to her.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

So am i unreasonable and ungrateful and spoiled shit? Should I get over it and pretend everything is fine?

The end of a year

So today I go to Foxton, and when I come back, I will be a year older - trippy.
Normally for my birthday I have a big cry and feel like I havent accomplished anything - and this year its not as bad as usual which is a nice change :)

Jeremy curse

So there was once a guy named Jeremy when I was 18. When I was 20, he died in a motorbike accident.
When I was 26 I met a new Jeremy. And now when Im almost 28, he is due to go into hospital for life threatening heart surgery - only a 1% chance of death, but still 1% more than I would like. A chance that it could go wrong and instead of "simple" heart surgery, he may have to have open heart surgery. Its freaking me out. And its 2 months away - I have 2 months of worrying and pushing him away so that I get hurt less if the worst happens.....

Day 27

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

For something to do, to encourage me to blog more, and just for fun mostly :)

Day 26

Day 26- What you think about your friends

I love them. That is all really. They are wonderful and most of the time, they are always there for me. And I would do anything for them 

Day 25

Day 25- What I would find in your bag

Wallet
2 cellphones
Lip balm and gloss - several varieties
Tampons
A good luck charm bag that Jo gave me
Hairtie
Bobbypin
Tissues
Sometimes panadol or nurofen
Emery board
Camera
Impulse
Handcream (mini neutrogena one)

Crikey its no wonder I can never find anything!!

Day 24

Day 24- A letter to your parents

To my Dad - would be a letter about how amazing he is, and how much I love and appreciate him, and to thank him for getting me through everything, and for putting up with so much crap with mum, just to give me some semblance of normalcy.

To my Mum - I will never figure out the words. Part of me is still so mad, part of me feels sorry for her, and the rest of me knows that she wouldnt get whatever I had to say anyway, so it would all be a waste of time.

Day 23

Day 23- Something you crave for a lot

Animals. I constantly want to steal animals and pat every animal I see - including tigers and polar bears. In fact, especially tigers and polar bears.

Hmmm perhaps this is also my answer to yesterdays blog....

Day 22

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else

Ummm, I dont actually know.... Any suggestions??

Day 21

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy

 My Dieselbum makes me happy :) Hes not a "something" but I dont care :)

Day 20

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Oh sappy :) I will just post a photo of us :) Didnt envision finding anyone anytime soon, but it happened after all... :)

Day 19

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them

Candi - is pretty obvious. Its short for Candida - and much easier for people

Floss - follows on from Candi really

Candi Dandy Notebook - rhyming is fun, and even better if you can relate it to something from Blues Clues

I dont really have anything fun that I can think of............. nothing that has stuck anyway :)

Day 18

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have

- One day - I really do want to get married and have kids. No matter how screwed up my childhood was, I still want that whole traditional family thing

- I want to own an Alaskan Malamute, a Great Dane, and a Maine Coon at some point :)

- To get fit and healthy and be happy with the way I am (this could take some time...)

- To work in a zoo as a nurse - that would be cool

Day 17

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Honestly - some sort of animal trainer that works with wild animals. Or anyone that gets to like cuddle a big cat eg cheetah or tiger or something. Just would love to do that, if only once in my life :)

Day 16

Day 16- Another picture of yourself

 This is from christmas 2008 I think...

Day 15

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

1. Wicked Game - HIM
2. Another Day - Rent Musical soundtrack
3. Sex On Fire - Kings of Leon
4. 13th Floor - Mondo Generator
5. Leaving on a Jet Plane - Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
6. BYOB - System of a Down
7. You've Got the Love - Florence and the Machine
8. Home - Michael Buble
9.Pantomime - Incubus
10. Poker Face - Chris Daughtry

Im surprised nothing from Glee came up - I thought they made up most of my playlist...

Day 14

Day 14- A picture of you and your family

 Me and my Popsicle at my graduation this year :)

Day 13

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Hmmmm
Theres the letter I always imagine writing to my mum. But that probably doesnt count as someone who hurt me recently.

Probably Sarah - the English chick at work, who makes me want to slap her, and is the main motivation behind me doing boxing on a Friday (as Thursday nights with her are utter hell!!)
Just to tell her to get over herself and stop acting like such a bitch really

Day 12

Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one

My friend Emma had one and it seemed like a good progression from my old Live Journal one that I had
I wanted an outlet to rant and write and to try to be creative...

Day 11

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends

Me and other best friend (I class her more as my sister) Amy - this was 2007 before a friend's 21st